


Helping Sonny

by Skylark62



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Established Relationship, First Time, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-03
Updated: 2016-07-03
Packaged: 2018-07-19 20:09:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 27,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7375699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skylark62/pseuds/Skylark62
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sonny needs support after he is attacked while on the job, and his friends at SVU are willing to do even more than he expected to help him. This leads to him finding out more about his co-workers and changes their relationships forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story is based 6 months after Sonny has been raped. There are no details given of this attack though. 
> 
> I'm sure the canon timeless are a bit off, as well as some of the details from Surrendering Noah so please forgive me for that, and assume the relationship between Nick and Amanda never took place.

The SVU team were worried about Sonny. The youngest member of the SVU team hadn’t been the same since he had been attacked 6 months ago. One of the sexual deviants they were trying to gather evidence on to put away for good had taken a shine to him, and unfortunately that had ended badly for Sonny. The man had managed to corner the detective who was tailing him and knock him unconscious.

When Sonny woke up, he was bound and gagged and his own gun was being aimed at him. He had no chance. The man knew what he wanted and was determined to get it. By the time the rest of the SVU team found Sonny, he had been raped and beaten unconscious. The concussion he recovered from within a week, the broken collarbone had taken a couple of months to get back to normal, but he was still struggling to cope after being raped.

Physically, Sonny had recovered from it well enough, but mentally was another matter. He had improved a lot since the rape, but was still having repeated nightmares which left him shattered and feeling emotionally fragile. He had lost his confidence and spark, and was much more introverted. He had been keen to see the good in people before, and give them the benefit of the doubt, but that had changed, and he was now as cynical as the rest of the team.

He hadn’t been in a relationship for some time before the attack, as his full time job plus night school and helping his family didn’t leave much free time. Now he didn’t trust anyone he didn’t know, and his memories of the sexual act were violent and painful. So there was no way he even could consider a relationship with a man or a woman, both of which he had been open to previously.

Counselling had helped him to a certain extent, and he was much better than he had been just after the attack, but his progress seemed to have stalled. His therapist had suggested various options to help him break through the barrier he seemed to have hit, but so far none had worked.

Fin was silent with his support, whereas Amanda kept trying to keep Sonny busy outside work and his mind off things. Liv had offered him time off, and given him an opportunity to talk, and even shared some of her experiences and difficulties coping after William Lewis.

Nick’s version of help was to spend time regularly with Sonny outside work, with a few beers and a game or movie. They got in the habit of spending Friday evenings together when they weren’t working, over at Sonny’s apartment. He didn’t go out much now, not feeling safe outside of his own space. Each week Nick tried to see an improvement in Sonny, but recently without success. If anything, he seemed to be getting worse, with the dark shadows under his eyes getting more pronounced as time passed. Nick had been taking Sonny’s mind off what had happened, and had never tried to get him to discuss it, but in the end, he decided maybe avoiding the subject was a mistake. It certainly didn’t seem to be helping.

Nick took a swig of his beer, contemplating Sonny who was slouched on the other end of the couch in front of the TV. Neither of them seemed to really be watching the game that was on; it was just background noise.

“Are you still having counselling?” Nick asked cautiously. Sonny looked at Nick in surprise, not expecting him to bring up anything related to the attack, as he never had before. He nodded.

“Is it helping?” Nick asked, even more gently. Sonny shrugged, not meeting his eyes.

“If you ever want to talk, you know I’m here for you.” Nick turned in his seat so he was facing Sonny more, and could see that the other detective had tensed up. “After I ended up in jail due to my anger management issues, I went for counselling. It helped, being able to discuss things with someone, but I found talking to a friend helpful too. At least Munch didn’t keep asking me ‘and how did that make you feel’, and I knew he wasn’t writing down my responses to better analyze me.” Nick saw the faint smile on Sonny’s face at that, before it faded. “So, if you think it would help, I’m happy to listen. No judgments. I know it takes time to get better after you’ve been attacked, but recently you don’t seem to be improving. I’m worried about you and want to help if I can.”

There was silence in the apartment for a minute while Sonny thought about what to say. He gulped down the last of his drink and got up to get another bottle from the fridge, bringing Nick one too. He sat down again with a sigh.

“Things did improve, and I know I’m much better now than I was a few months ago, but the progress seems to have stopped. I’m having nightmares every night about sex, and nothing the counselor suggests to stop them is working. I’m tired all the time but dread going to bed, just to wake up screaming with another nightmare.” Sonny didn’t meet Nick’s eyes as he said this, but concentrated intently on tearing off the label from the beer bottle.

“Lack of sleep definitely makes everything seem worse, and I know what it feels like to dread going to sleep because of nightmares. I had them for a few months after I came back from Iraq. But if you’re still having them every night then you definitely need to do something to get rid of them. What has the counsellor suggested?”

Sonny slumped back in the seat. “You name it. I’ve had therapy, drugs, hypnosis… I even tried her most outlandish suggestion, which seemed to help a bit, but didn’t get rid of the problem.”

“What was that?” Nick asked.

Sonny laughed, but there wasn’t any humor in it. “She said that as my nightmares were about sex, and all my memories now of it are now violent ones, then I needed to replace the bad memories with good ones, and have sex.”

Nick waited but it became obvious that Sonny wasn’t going to elaborate without coaxing. “You said it helped a bit, so you obviously tried it.” he queried.

“Yeah. I’m not in a relationship at the moment, so at her suggestion I approached a good friend and explained the problem.” Sonny saw Nick’s raised eyebrows and could imagine what he was thinking. “It’s no-one you know; a friend I’ve had since I was a teenager. She agreed to sleep with me to help me overcome my nightmares. I had to take a Viagra to make sure I could get it up and was shaking the whole time. It wasn’t great, but it was a hell of a lot better than my nightmares.”

“Maybe if that helped a bit then you need to do it again, and this time you won’t be so nervous, and that will help even more.” Nick suggested.

Sonny shook his head. “No, I don’t think so. The problem is that having sex with a woman isn’t going to banish the bad memories of a man raping me. I’m bisexual so have had good experiences with men in the past, but I can’t even consider that now.”

Nick thought for a minute. “Maybe if having  sex with a good female friend helped a bit, then having sex with a good male friend would help more,” he suggested hesitantly.

Sonny laughed. “Yeah, it might. But I don’t have any good male friends who are gay who I could consider asking to do this. I am definitely more into women, and have to really fancy a guy to sleep with him in the first place, and there aren’t any men I fancy and trust that I could ask this of. Why? You offering?” Sonny asked Nick jokingly.

Nick smiled. “Yes, if you think it would help. But although I know you trust me, you don’t fancy me do you?” He saw Sonny shake his head. “So it wouldn’t work.”

Sonny was gazing at Nick is surprise. “You really would do that for me if I asked you to?”

Nick met Sonny’s eyes. “Yes,” he answered without hesitation.

“But you’re straight, not gay.” Sonny commented.

Nick shrugged. “Like you, I’m mostly straight, although I have been with guys too. But that doesn’t help you with your problem. So tell me, there must be some guys around that you do fancy. I can’t believe no one has caught your eye.”

Sonny shook his head, but he went red as well, which Nick spotted. “Okay, so there is someone, I can tell by the blush. Who is it?”

Sonny took a large gulp of his drink. “Forget it Nick. It’s no one who I could ask to do this.”

“Are you sure? Why not? Don’t you trust him?” Nick pressed Sonny for more information.

“Yes I trust him, but I still couldn’t ask him. I couldn’t even begin to think about how that conversation would go. We don’t have that type of relationship. We’re really not friends.” Sonny imagined asking him and thought of the potential reactions, which varied from laughter to violence. No he could never ask this man.

Nick wasn’t about to give up. “So how do you know him?”

Sonny didn’t answer. That gave Nick a hint. “Is it from work? Is that why you won’t say who it is?”

Sonny got up and started clearing away the remains of the pizza they had shared earlier in an effort to avoid the conversation.

Nick’s mind was spinning, considering all the men they worked with. He knew it wasn’t him, and had never seen any signs that Sonny had feelings for Fin, plus surely he would consider the older detective a friend at this point. The only other man they had regular contact with was Barba. Nick stopped at this point, and ran through his mind the way Sonny interacted with the ADA. He had hero-worshipped the lawyer from the first time he met him, and even Liv had jokingly commented that Sonny had a crush on him. Maybe she was right.

“It’s Barba isn’t it?” Nick asked, watching Sonny intently to see his reaction. Sonny dropped the pizza box in his hand, and stopped still, then hung his head. He wouldn’t look at Nick, but he didn’t deny it either. Nick got up and went up to Sonny, still standing in his kitchen. “It wasn’t that hard to figure out, and he’s a good guy, and nice looking. He knows what you’ve been through, especially after the trial, and I think he was pretty good with you all during that, wasn’t he? I don’t think he would react badly if you asked him to do this.”

Sonny laughed at this, and finally faced Nick. “Yeah, right. I admit he has been great to me since the attack. He was a good support at the trial and put that scumbag away for a long stretch, but don’t forget how he treated me in the past. I was the butt of all his jokes, and he made fun of me and put me down whenever he could.”

“Most of that was just him being him. He wouldn’t have made the effort to try and wind you up if he didn’t like you. Plus you seemed to enjoy it too and got some digs in of your own. Anyway, things were better between you even before the attack.” Nick protested Sonny’s view of Barba. He hadn’t always got on well with the ADA himself at work, but knew the prickly exterior wasn’t always a reflection of what Barba really thought.

Sonny got himself another beer and went back to the lounge and sat down again. “Forget it Nick. There’s no way I’m asking Barba, and that’s final. I don’t want to be laughed at or punched, and let’s face it Nick, we work together. We’re not friends. Even if he is gay, and I’m not positive he is, he wouldn’t agree to it even if I did ask. Please just drop it. I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

Nick saw the resignation on Sonny’s face and agreed to change the subject. He had gotten more out of Sonny than he had expected, and now he had a way to help him, even if Sonny didn’t realize it.

***

When Nick finally left at the end of the evening, he caught a cab and considered his next move. Despite what Sonny had said, he was not going to drop it. He got out and paid the cab driver before heading into the building and getting the elevator to the eighth floor. He knocked at the door before letting himself in, and the owner of the apartment, Nick’s boyfriend, came out to greet him.

“Hey, I didn’t expect to see you tonight. I thought you would go home after spending the evening with Carisi,” he smiled then leaned in for a kiss. The detective toed off his shoes and took his coat off before heading into the bedroom, following his boyfriend.

“Yeah, I was thinking of doing that originally, but I wanted to see you.” Nick smiled and pulled the other man towards him, and they met up for a lingering kiss. When they finally pulled apart, Nick sat down on the bed and started to undress, aware his lover was only wearing a t-shirt and boxers as he had been ready for bed when Nick arrived. He finished getting undressed and then went to the bathroom to finish his evening routine before climbing into bed and gathering his lover in his arms again.

“So how is Carisi?” the drowsy man asked.

Nick sighed, and then explained what had happened that night, and how the conversation had gone.

“Really? You offered to sleep with him to help him out?” he queried, glaring at Nick.

Nick smiled at him. “Well, I would have asked you first, but would you really have said no if you knew it would help Sonny out?”

The other man sighed. “No, I suppose not. He has been looking bad since the attack and he seems…haunted,” he commented, finally finding a word to describe the young detective.

“That’s a good description and pretty accurate. But he turned me down anyway. It needs to be someone he fancies, and he doesn’t feel that way towards me. There is someone he does fancy though who could help.”

“Really, who?”

“You.” Nick watched his lover’s eyes widen at this announcement, before he sat up in bed and glared at Nick. Luckily Nick was immune to the glares that set defendants shaking in their boots from ADA Rafael Barba. It wasn’t as effective when the man was sat up in bed, or with the affection that Nick could still see showing in his eyes.

“Are you seriously suggesting that I…” Rafael trailed off at this as he saw Nick nodding determinedly.

“Yes I am. He needs this, Rafael. He is having nightmares every night and can’t get over what happened to him until he can replace the bad memories. I wouldn’t normally even consider giving permission for my boyfriend to sleep with another man, but this is different.” Nick was determined to convince him.

“What did you tell him about us?” Rafael asked. He could rarely say no to Nick in their private life, and could see that he wasn’t going to win this argument.

“Nothing,” Nick told him. Rafael looked at him, one eyebrow raised. “He doesn’t know I’m seeing you, and he isn’t even sure you’re gay. I didn’t tell him anything. I did suggest he ask you for help but he wouldn’t consider it. He is sure you would either laugh at him or punch him, and would never agree.”

At this Rafael winced. He knew he had been hard on the detective in the past, although that had gradually changed as Carisi had grown in experience, both as a detective, and in his knowledge of the law. By the time the attack had happened, they had been getting on much better, with only the occasional dig at each other. Then Carisi had been raped, and their relationship had changed from detective and ADA to victim and prosecutor of the case against his attacker. Since then Rafael had seen for himself how on edge Carisi had been, and also heard from Nick how much he was struggling, so Rafael had taken it easy on the detective.

Rafael ran a hand through his hair. “Look. I’ll think about it, okay. I’ve had a long day and I was half asleep before you got here, so at least give me time to consider it would you?”

Nick smiled and agreed. He knew that once his lover had time to think about it, and Nick had more time to work on him, he would agree.

***

The next week both men treated Sonny the same as before at work, knowing that Sonny didn’t want the conversation with Nick to have changed anything. This continued even when Sonny went through trial prep at ADA Barba’s office. Rafael had always separated his work and private life, and that had become even more important to him when he and Nick started seeing each other. Half the department still thought they didn’t like each other, they were both so good at exaggerating their work disagreements so no one could guess the truth.

Rafael used the same skills while going through the trial prep with Carisi. One part of him was going through the questions he planned to ask at trial and potential defence cross examination but he was also watching the detective carefully. He could see nothing of the usual spark in the detective’s voice or demeanour, and noticed how thin he was, and the bags under his eyes. He looked as if he had aged 10 years since the attack.

When Rafael got home that night, he cooked a meal for himself and Nick, and as they were eating, they went over their work day. Nick asked how the trial prep had gone with Carisi, and Rafael looked at him for a long moment before answering.

“It went fine. He’s so easy to prepare now that he can look at the case from a lawyer’s perspective as well as a detective’s. I could see how the attack is still affecting him though. He’s looking ill and depressed.” Rafael could see the slight smile on Nick’s face. “Okay, if you really think that I can help him, then how can I say no? I’ll do it, if you really want me to.”

Nick reached over the table and took one of Rafael’s hands in his own. “Thank you. I think it will help him so I do want you to do it, strange as it may seem. I’ll tell him, as I think if you speak to him about it, he’ll have a heart attack.”

Rafael smirked. “Yes, I can see that he would be a bit shocked if I approached him. You agree details with him and let me know what the plan is. I’ll go along with whatever you arrange.” He squeezed Nick’s hand before letting go and continuing to eat.

***        

Friday night that week, Nick again arranged to go round and see Sonny. He could tell Sonny was a bit apprehensive when he arrived, with a six pack of beer and a new DVD of the latest action thriller, but Sonny relaxed more as the film went on. He decided Nick wasn’t going to mention what they had discussed the week before. He was glad. He couldn’t believe he had opened up to Nick like that, or that Nick had offered to sleep with him. After one particularly bad nightmare that week he had even considered taking Nick up on the offer, but he valued him too much as a friend, and anyway, as he had told Nick, he didn’t fancy him. That left him no closer to fixing his problem, but knowing that Nick would do that to help him gave him a warm feeling inside. He was a good friend.

When the movie finished, Nick got up and took it out of the DVD player and put it back in the case before bringing up the subject he really wanted to talk to Sonny about.

“I’ve been thinking about what we discussed last week,” Nick started, before he was interrupted by Sonny.

“No Nick. I told you last week that I don’t want to talk about it any more. You can’t help me with this.” Sonny sighed.

“Yes I can,” Nick disagreed. “Maybe not myself as we agreed that wouldn’t help you, but I can do one better than that. I can lend you my boyfriend for the night.” Nick looked a bit hesitant at this, although he was still sure it was the right thing to do. “I try to keep my private life out of work, which is why you didn’t know before last week that I was bi, and only now are finding out that I am currently seeing a man, but I trust you Sonny, and am sure that you can keep this to yourself.”

Sonny nodded. “Of course Nick. I won’t say anything to anyone about your business. But what makes you think that bringing anyone else into this, let alone your boyfriend, could help me?”

Nick looked him in the eye. “Can’t you figure it out? Come on Sonny, you’re usually quicker than this.” He waited and a few seconds later saw the puzzlement go out of his eyes as Sonny figured out who it was that Nick must be seeing.

“No way. You’re not seeing Barba. You couldn’t be. You guys don’t get on.” Sonny couldn’t believe that was what Nick was implying.

Nick smirked, a habit he had gotten from Rafael. “We’re good at covering up our relationship. We’ve been together for nearly 9 months now. No one at work knows, apart from you now. We’ve talked about disclosing to Liv and the DA, but I’m not sure we’re at that point yet.”

Nick gave Sonny a few minutes to consider this before bringing the subject back to Sonny. “So you see how we can help you now.” He waited and Sonny’s face dropped as he thought about his own situation again. “I discussed it with Rafael and he’s agreed. He is worried about you too, and wants to help.”

Sonny glared at him. “You discussed it with him without telling me?!” His face burned at thinking of Nick telling Barba that Sonny fancied the ADA. How could he ever face him again after Nick had embarrassed him like that?

“You made it clear that you weren’t going to speak to him, but he can help.”

Sonny sat down and put his head in his hands and groaned. “Oh no. I’m due in court with him on Monday. I can’t face him. Not now you’ve told him I fancy him.”

Nick laughed. “Of course you can. He won’t treat you any differently to how he normally does. If anything, he was flattered. He’s not going to embarrass you or say anything about it to you at work. He didn’t say anything when you were at his office for prep did he?”

Sonny looked up. “You told him about it before then?”

Nick nodded. “I stayed with him last Friday night after I left here. I told him when I got there and suggested he help you. So he’s known for a week. He thought about it for a few days and after seeing you for the trial prep he agreed.”

Sonny’s eyebrows rose. “Really? Why then?”

“I’m not really sure. He did comment that you looked pretty down and tired though. He also said that you are easy to prepare now you have experience of the cases from both a detective and a lawyer’s perspective.” Nick thought pointing out what Rafael had said might make Sonny feel a bit better.

Sonny’s face brightened up. “He really said that about me? I thought he considered me a pain to work with still.”

Nick laughed. “You would be surprised about some of the things he says when we are not at work. A lot of the snarkiness is just for appearances. He likes and cares about everyone at SVU, even though he doesn’t usually show it. That’s why he has agreed to do this.”

Sonny took another swig of his beer before responding. “Why would you want him to sleep with another man? Don’t you have a monogamous relationship?”

Nick smiled. “Yes we do, and if he went out and two timed me with anyone that would be the end of the relationship. But this is different. It was my idea and I can cope with the two of you together for one night if it will help you. But this is one night only. I want him back!”

Sonny laughed too. “Don’t worry. I know I couldn’t hang on to him even if I wanted to. I still can’t believe you’ve both agreed with this crazy idea.”

“Incidentally, Rafael told me that if things were the other way round, and it would have helped you if it had been me spending the night with you, then he would have agreed to it.”

Sonny choked on his drink. “No way! I would have considered him to be a really possessive guy.” He looked incredulously at Nick.

“He is, but he said he would have agreed. We just both want to help you. Do you believe me?”

Sonny stared at Nick for a minute before nodding. “Okay, I believe you. So what now?”

Nick relaxed back and took a swig of his beer. “What do you think would help you most? Rafael said he is happy to go along with whatever we agree, so tell me what would be best for you.”

Sonny thought about it, but didn’t say anything. Nick grew impatient but also realized that Sonny might be feeling uncomfortable discussing this with him. “So where would be best? Would you feel most comfortable here, or somewhere else?”

Sonny was startled when Nick spoke, having been lost in thought. “Uum…yes, I think here would be best. I feel safest here.”

“Good,” Nick responded. “Do you want to discuss how you want things to go, and what you want him to do, or will you be comfortable talking to him about it on the night?”

Sonny laughed, but Nick could hear a hint of hysteria in it. “No way. I really can’t see myself being comfortable talking about sex positions with Barba any time, but I’m definitely not discussing with you what I want your boyfriend to do either.” Sonny gulped down his beer.

Nick realized he had taken this conversation about as far as Sonny could cope with for now. “Okay, you don’t have to. The only thing we need to agree is when you should do this. Do you have any preferences?”

Sonny did some deep breathing to try and calm himself down. “Not when I have to face him or you the next day at work,” he commented.

“Fair enough,” Nick replied. “I can understand that. How about next Saturday? It’s my weekend with Zara, and I’ve got her Friday night through Sunday, so that will keep me busy and distracted while Rafael comes here on Saturday.”

Sonny nodded. “Saturday’s fine,” he agreed. He couldn’t really believe this conversation they were having.

Nick looked at his watch. “I’d better go. I’m working tomorrow morning so have to be up early. I’ll see you on Monday at work.”

Sonny showed Nick out in a daze, his mind still on what could happen next Saturday night. He then got himself another beer as he thought about the possibilities.

***   

Rafael was at the courthouse early on Monday morning for the continuation of the trial of the paedophile they were prosecuting. Carisi had arrested the man and had found the flash drive in his briefcase, so he was up next on the witness stand. He took a hefty drink of his coffee as he set up his papers on the prosecution table, and then looked round the court. Usually Carisi would already be there, as the detective was frequently early, and quite often used the time to hassle him about the legal aspects of the trial and how he was going to approach various witnesses. There was no sign of him today, but that didn’t surprise him.

Nick had told him what Carisi’s reaction was to hearing that Nick had spoken to him about his situation, and he thought that Carisi would be embarrassed, and want to avoid him. He knew he needed to be totally professional and treat the detective exactly as he always did, and not give any indication that he thought differently about him or would be any different at work. This mad plan of Nick’s would only work if they could all work together afterwards.

Rafael watched as the courtroom started to fill up, and finally saw Liv and Carisi arrive. Liv walked up to Rafael and greeted him warmly, and Carisi followed reluctantly.

“Morning Liv, Carisi. I haven’t heard from the defence this weekend, so they are still being optimistic and thinking they actually have a chance to win. Crazy really, considering the evidence we have against them, but the trial will go on.” Liv smiled at Rafael, but he noticed that Carisi couldn’t make eye contact with him and was acting as if he wanted to be anywhere else. Rafael decided he needed to change tactic.

“Carisi, I just want to go over a few points before you get on the stand, if you can excuse us Liv.” Rafael beckoned Carisi over to the back of the courtroom where it was quiet still, while Liv moved to talk to the parents of the traumatised girl the accused had assaulted.

When they got to the back row, Rafael sat down before patting the space next to him. Carisi reluctantly joined him, but still wouldn’t look at him. Rafael sighed. “This isn’t going to work if you can’t even look at me, Sonny,” he said in a low voice. That got Carisi’s attention. He had never called him by his first name before. “No matter what happens outside work, we have to be able to work together and be professional. If Nick and I hadn’t been able to do that, we wouldn’t have lasted a month, let alone 9. I want to help you, but I can only do that if you will be able to work with me afterwards.”

Sonny stared open mouthed at Barba. He never expected him to bring this up at work, let alone in a courtroom. He cleared his throat, before replying. “Don’t worry counsellor, I can work with you. I’m just still having trouble getting my head around all this.”

Rafael smirked at him. “Yes, I gather Nick shocked you on Friday night, even more than he shocked me the week before with this crazy plan of his.”

“Ahh – so you think it’s a crazy plan as well,” Sonny exclaimed, although he made sure to keep his voice down.

Rafael looked around and then back at Sonny once he was sure there was no one close by or paying any attention to them. “I did, but now I’ve had chance to think about it, I can see how it might be of benefit to you. But do you think it will help?”

Sonny shrugged his shoulders. “I can’t be sure, but I think it will, yes.”

Rafael smiled at him, and let Sonny see the genuine affection in it, rather than the usual cynicism and arrogance. “Good. I hope it does. All systems go for next Saturday then. In the meantime, we have to get this scumbag put away. Are you okay to testify now?”

Sonny nodded and took a deep breath in before standing up. “Yes, I’m fine. Thanks.”

“No problem. You know what you need to say and what not to say when you’re up there. I know you won’t screw it up, unlike some witnesses. Just say what we agreed, and it’ll soon be over.” Rafael got up and walked back to the prosecution table. He wouldn’t normally have had that conversation at work, but Carisi seemed to be much more comfortable now it was in the open between them. Now they could both concentrate on work.

***

The rest of the week Sonny tried not to dwell on the weekend to come, knowing he would just wind himself up into a state about it if he thought about it too much. Nick tried to make sure they weren’t alone too, which stopped Sonny speaking to Nick about it and chickening out. The nightmares continued though, which reminded him of why he was going to do this. He also thought about what his reaction would be if the positions were reversed. He couldn’t imagine letting his girlfriend or boyfriend sleep with someone else, even to genuinely help them. This was a big favour Nick and Barba were doing him; he would try to appreciate it.

Eventually the weekend came around, and Nick made sure to get off work early to collect Zara, and planned lots of fun things to entertain them all day Saturday, to keep his mind off what Rafael would be doing with Sonny that evening. Nick hadn’t told Maria that he was in a serious relationship with a man, not wanting to rock the boat or give her any cause to try to change their custody arrangements, so Zara hadn’t met Rafael yet. This meant that Thursday night had been the last the two men had spent together, and both of them had made an effort to make the most of it, making love long into the night.

Sonny had an extra session at Fordham on Saturday morning, which he had considered not going to, but in the end decided he needed the distraction. He didn’t actually achieve much by going there, and would need to borrow the notes from someone else as he had kept zoning out of the lectures, but it had wasted some time. In the early afternoon he got a text from Barba, asking what time he should come round. Sonny answered 7pm, and got a confirmation of that. He had considered cooking for the two of them so they had something to do when Barba first arrived, and to give him something else to think about, but decided against it. It wasn’t a date, after all. Plus, he wasn’t sure he could eat. His stomach was in knots.

By early evening Sonny was pacing his apartment, trying not to bite his nails. He had spent a long time in the shower, and after getting out, prepared himself for the evening to come. Although he hadn’t discussed with Nick what he wanted Barba to do, he knew that really the only way that he would be able to replace the memories of the rape was if Barba was to fuck him. That made him very nervous, but he had done this enough with men before that he had been comfortable in that position, before the attack.

He tried to relax as he lay on his bed and got out his tube of lube. He had done this before, many times, although not since the attack. He spent quite some time using first one finger, then a second one to stretch himself. It took much longer to get comfortable than it had done in the past, which didn’t surprise him, and was one reason he wanted to do this now, before Barba arrived.

When he was satisfied he had done all he could, he got dressed and changed the bedding, putting clean sheets on before tidying the apartment. He had even bought a good bottle of whiskey, so he would be able to offer the ADA a drink when he arrived. He forced down a sandwich, knowing he would want a drink to calm his nerves, but not wanting to risk it on an empty stomach. He also took a Viagra, as he thought he would likely need a bit of help. The last thing he wanted was not to be able to perform because of nerves.

Finally 7pm arrived, and spot on time Sonny heard the buzzer of the downstairs door to the building.  He let Barba in, and then paced some more before he heard the knock at his door. He wiped his sweaty hands on his jeans then opened the door. Barba was stood there, looking very relaxed, and completely unlike he usually did. Sonny stared. The other man was dressed in a polo shirt and jeans, and had a relaxed smile on his face. Sonny had never seen him when he wasn’t wearing a suit, so this seemed strange. ‘It’s not the only thing that is going to seem strange tonight’, he told himself, as he moved away and gestured for Barba to come in. His mouth was dry and he had to clear his throat before he could even speak. “Hi, uuh…thanks  for coming.” He blushed. He really didn’t know what to say in this situation.

Barba smiled at him. “Relax Sonny. Nice place. Have you lived here long?” he asked.

“Three years,” Sonny replied. “Would you like a drink, Barba?” He gestured to the kitchen counter, where the bottle of whiskey was waiting, along with two glasses.

Barba looked at the bottle, seeing it was new and unopened, and had obviously been bought with him in mind. “Sure, that’d be good, thanks.” He waited until Sonny had poured them both hefty doubles of the amber drink and added a couple of ice cubes from the freezer before moving towards the couch and sitting down on one end. Sonny followed his lead and sat down before taking a gulp of his own drink.

“I’m trying to get better at keeping my work and personal life separate, and Nick and I have both found a few things helpful with that. So at work I am Barba or counselor, and at home I’m Rafael. Same with you. I’m spending tonight with Sonny but I work with Carisi. Does that work for you Sonny?” Rafael asked the obviously nervous detective sat next to him.

“Yes, okay. I can do that, Rafael.” Sonny stumbled a bit on the name, finding it strange to use for the first time ever.

“Good. I know from Nick that you didn’t feel comfortable talking to him about what you might want tonight, but I thought it would be a good idea to agree any things you definitely do or don’t want. I will go slow, and if at any point you want me to stop or slow down more, say so. This is meant to help you, and you forcing yourself to do something you are not comfortable with definitely won’t help.” Rafael wanted to try and settle Sonny down and wasn’t really sure how to do that, but avoiding why he was there wasn’t going to help. He was pleased to see Sonny relax a bit.

“I know what happened to you, as we went through it for the trial, but if there are any things he said or positions he used that are likely to trigger you, you need to tell me. Is there anything?” Rafael asked gently. He had read through Sonny’s statements this week to remind himself of the specifics of the attack, and had tried not to dwell on the photos that came in the file of the bloody and torn detective.

Sonny took in a deep breath. “He didn’t say much, and nothing that I think would make me react adversely. He raped me from behind, so I think avoiding that position, and you being where I can see you would help me stay in the present and not have a flashback.”

“That’s fine. I’m assuming you want me to top tonight, if you want to banish the bad memories, but if that isn’t what you have in mind…” Rafael trailed off, but saw Sonny’s nod and continued. “I know from what you told Nick that you have been involved with men before, but I don’t know how experienced you are, or what you usually prefer to do, so if you could give me some idea it may help.”

Sonny took another gulp of his drink before replying. “I’ve had a couple of relationships with men, although they weren’t too serious or long-lasting. I used to be pretty adventurous, and was comfortable doing most things. I used to enjoy topping and bottoming, but since the attack, I really don’t know how comfortable I will be.” He laughed slightly hysterically, as the enormity of what he had agreed to hit him. “Well, honestly, I don’t really feel comfortable with anything right now. Maybe this is a bad idea, and we should just forget the whole thing.” He started to panic and made to get up, but Rafael put his hand on his arm. He immediately froze. He didn’t think the ADA had ever touched him apart from the handshake when they first met.

“Easy there Sonny. Just breathe; in and out.” Rafael waited patiently until Sonny was breathing more normally and didn’t look on the verge of panic any more before continuing. “I don’t think we should forget it, just go slowly. You need to try and relax. I’m not going to hurt you or do anything you don’t want me to do. But when we talked on Monday you said you thought this would help you get over the attack and reduce the nightmares. I don’t think you should give up on this. I want to help you.” Rafael kept his hand on Sonny’s arm, stroking it gently, before moving it down to his hand and interlocking their fingers together.

Sonny looked round at him eventually, and Rafael could see his eyes glistening. He looked Rafael over, appearing to be assessing how genuine he was, then nodded. “Okay. I’m just nervous. I would have been nervous anyway, with you, but since the attack, anything related to sex just makes me panic. I wasn’t much better when my other friend, Susan, was here and we had sex. Thank God for Viagra!” Sonny tried to joke about it, hoping to relieve some of the tension between them.

Rafael laughed. “The wonder-drug Viagra. I’ve been wondering how long I’ll be able to keep up with Nick without it. The perils of being with a younger man. If you’ve taken it tonight that will help I think.”

Sonny raised his eyebrows. “Well, yeah, although if you’re topping it isn’t really necessary for me to be hard, but it probably will help.”

Rafael smiled. “My plan is that you will enjoy this at least as much as me, so yes, you definitely need to be able to get hard. I was thinking that in order to get relaxed enough to let me in, that you would benefit from a blow job to start with.”

Sonny stared at him, open mouthed. “You would do that?”

“Of course,” Rafael replied, a bit affronted that Sonny would doubt him. “I don’t think you will find my skills lacking in that area either. I told you; whatever will help. Do you think you’ll be able to come twice?”

Sonny shrugged his shoulders. “I used to have a pretty good recovery time so normally I would say yes, definitely, but tonight, who knows. I don’t know how I will react to sex with a man now.”

“Okay, we’ll see what happens.” He started to pull Sonny closer to him, and Sonny resisted.

“Uhm…is there anything you don’t want to do, or anything that Nick would rather we didn’t do?” He asked.

Rafael smiled. “I’m comfortable with anything so don’t have any restrictions, and I didn’t discuss it with Nick. He didn’t say anything, and I’m not planning to tell him what we do anyway. He might have agreed to this, but it doesn’t mean he wants to know the details, and really, it’s none of his business. What happens between us tonight stays between you and me.”

Sonny nodded again, and drank the rest of his drink. He had run out of delaying tactics, and could feel his heart speed up. It looked like they really were going to do this. He took in a deep breath as Rafael pulled him closer, and this time didn’t resist.

 

Rafael raised his free hand and cupped Sonny’s cheek, then moved still closer until he could kiss the trembling detective. He was going to keep to his word and move slowly, and try to get Sonny calmer and turned on before they moved to the bedroom. He kept the kiss gentle, not trying to deepen it until Sonny started to respond and relaxed his lips. He licked at Sonny’s lips then pressed forward when the other man opened up, and within minutes they were kissing deeply, their tongues caressing each other and their heads tilted to allow deeper contact.

Sonny relaxed more as the kiss went on, and when Rafael moved his hand to his shoulder, then back to caress his spine, he copied the movement, using this opportunity to feel the ADA’s body, which he had never expected to get chance to touch. Rafael moved backwards on the couch until he was half reclining, and pulled Sonny on top of him, and their bodies lined up so they were touching from head to knee. He pushed one thigh between Sonny’s legs, but didn’t move any further, so their groins although touching, weren’t moving against each other.

It took a while, but gradually Sonny started to harden, as did Rafael. Sonny was the first to move his hips, and ground them down so their cocks brushed against each other. Both men gasped, and pulled apart to look at each other. Sonny smiled. “I never thought I could feel like this again, with a man. Thanks.”

Rafael brushed his hand down Sonny’s spine, this time not stopping at his waist, but moving down to caress his ass. Sonny thrust down again in response. “You’re welcome. More good stuff to come. Do you want to move somewhere more comfortable? This couch has to be too short for your long legs.”

Sonny’s smile faded a bit, as his nerves came rushing back, but he pulled back and stood up, before reaching down a hand to help Rafael up off the sofa. He led the way to his bedroom, where he had already put on the bedside table lights so the main lighting in the room was off. He sat down on the edge of the bed and Rafael stood in front of him.

Rafael took off his shoes and socks before leaning down and kissing Sonny again. “Is it okay if we get undressed?” he asked in a low voice. He didn’t want to go too quickly, but on the other hand they only had one night together so couldn’t go too slowly. He saw Sonny swallow, but he nodded his head. Rafael moved his hands to the buttons of the shirt the detective was wearing, opening the buttons and pulling the fabric apart as he moved further down towards Sonny’s waist.

Sonny didn’t make any attempt to reciprocate, but when all the visible buttons were undone, he pulled his shirt free from his jeans and shrugged it off, leaving him naked from the waist up. Rafael straightened up and pulled off his own polo shirt, folding it and draping it over the arm of the chair by the bed, before moving his hands to Sonny’s belt. He looked at Sonny for permission to remove it, and Sonny nodded. Rafael undid the belt and removed it, before doing the same with his own.

Sonny decided it would be easier and quicker to just remove his own jeans, before he lost the nerve, so stood up and quickly undid them then pushed the fabric down and off, removing his socks at the same time. Rafael did the same thing, and then both men were in just their boxers. Sonny stood still, not sure what to do next, but Rafael lay down on the bed and patted the space beside him, so Sonny lay down too. Rafael pulled Sonny back into a kiss, and soon both men were fully immersed in the kiss, and touching each other.

Rafael pulled back out of the kiss and smiled at Sonny before moving further down the bed. He trailed one hand down until it was on Sonny’s hip, then after looking at him to check he was okay, he moved his hand around until it was cupping the hard erection that was distending the boxer shorts. Sonny groaned, feeling fully turned on by this point.

“Can I take your boxers off, Sonny?” Rafael asked quietly.

“Yeah,” Sonny replied, and so Rafael did that, helped by Sonny raising his hips. Rafael then moved until he was lying between the detective’s legs. He kissed his inner thigh, and then moved upwards until he could lick his way up Sonny’s cock and then take it into his mouth. Sonny gasped and thrust upwards. It had been so long since anyone had done this for him, and he had no bad memories of this.

Rafael certainly knew what he was doing, and he used all his skills to arouse Sonny, and bring him to the brink time and time again before he finally took pity on him and let him come. Rafael smiled to himself as he swallowed Sonny’s release. He let the sated man go and moved back to lie next to Sonny. He saw the condom and lube sitting on the bedside table and reached for the lube, opening the tube and slicking up a few fingers before Sonny recovered enough to see what he was doing.

“Wow, that was fantastic, thanks Rafael.”

“You’re welcome.” Rafael replied. He gestured to the lube and condom “Do you still want to do this?”

“Definitely,” Sonny answered, moving to his side facing Rafael and opening his legs so the other man had better access to him. He was feeling much more relaxed now he had come, and was more confident about what they were going to do, now he had seen what skills Rafael had.

Rafael moved his hand between Sonny’s thighs, and caressed his balls before moving back further. He leaned forward and kissed Sonny again, and let one finger caress the detective’s entrance, not trying to push in yet, but just get used to being touched there again.

“I opened myself up earlier after my shower, so shouldn’t be as tight as I would have been otherwise,” Sonny admitted a bit embarrassed.

Rafael pushed one finger in slowly, and found that it was as Sonny had predicted. “That was very forward-thinking of you, Sonny,” Rafael commented before kissing him again, and thrusting the finger in and out. After a few minutes of this, he told Sonny he was going to add a second finger, which Sonny agreed to, then suited his words to action, caressing his prostate when both fingers were fully in. It took Sonny a few minutes to get comfortable again with the extra finger, and when Rafael added a third finger, it took even longer. But Rafael was patient, and Sonny did his best to relax. He kept opening his eyes each time he felt he might start to panic and reminded himself who was with him and doing this to him.

By the time Rafael decided that Sonny was as relaxed as he was going to get and ready to take the final step, he had already started to harden again. Rafael was impressed at the reaction, as he hadn’t been convinced that Sonny would get hard again, even with the Viagra in his system. He reached up to pick up the condom only to find that Sonny had beaten him to it. “Let me,” the detective asked. He was conscious that he really hadn’t done anything for Rafael, and all the attention had been on him. He had wanted Rafael since he met him, and now he actually had him in his bed, he wanted to make the most of it. He also wanted to show off some of his own skills.

Sonny pushed Rafael back until he was lying on the bed, and then caressed his chest, then moved down to the slight softness of his waist. He pushed the boxers down, helped by Rafael, and then eyed the eager erection which was revealed. Sonny licked his lips and moved down until he could take the head in his mouth, moving one hand to between Rafael’s thighs and palming his balls. Rafael stopped Sonny after only a minute of this though. “Stop. I won’t last if you don’t,” he gasped. Sonny stopped and instead took out the condom and rolled it onto the cock, before taking the lube and adding some to the outside. Once Rafael was prepared, Sonny swallowed hard. This was the moment of reckoning. He hesitated.

Rafael reached down and squeezed Sonny’s shoulder. “How do you want to do this?” he asked. “Would you prefer to be on top, that way you can control things better?” he suggested.

Sonny looked up at him, and felt gratitude for the older man again defusing his anxiety and making a good suggestion. “Yes, that sounds good,” he agreed, before swinging one leg over Rafael’s waist so he was straddling him, and then slowly lowering himself down. Rafael held his cock straight up and although Sonny slowed down once he felt the cock at his entrance, he took in a deep breath and continued to lower himself. Rafael kept looking him in the eye, and caressed his thighs which were trembling with the effort and with nerves.

Sonny deliberately kept breathing deeply and staring at Rafael, and eventually he was fully down. He felt full, but it wasn’t painful. He gave himself a minute to get used to the sensation, then pushed up slightly so the hard cock inside him slid part way out, then lowered himself again. He repeated the motions, getting quicker each time, as he felt his nerves evaporating.

After a few minutes, when he was sure that Sonny was doing all right, Rafael joined in the rhythm. He had been determined to wait until Sonny was ready before moving, but he was so aroused, all he wanted to do was continue thrusting until he came. Luckily that was fine with Sonny.

Rafael grabbed Sonny’s now fully hard cock with his still slick hand, and jacked him in time with the movement of their hips. Both men were straining towards their orgasms now, and thrusting hard against each other and gasping. Rafael came first with a groan, and the look on his face tipped Sonny over the edge, and he came too, shooting ribbons of his come all over Rafael’s chest and abdomen.

Sonny slumped forwards to get his breath for a minute before pulling off, holding the condom in place so it didn’t fall off, then collapsed on the bed besides Rafael, panting. Both men looked at each other and a slow grin broke out over Sonny’s face. “I did it!” he exclaimed. “I wasn’t really sure I would be able to do this, even with you, but I did, and without panicking!”

Rafael laughed. “Yes, you did. Congratulations Sonny. I’m really pleased for you.”

Both men enjoyed the afterglow and got their breaths back before Rafael sat up and took off the condom, wrapping it in a tissue from the bedside table before standing up. He headed towards the bathroom he could see across the hallway and flushed the condom down the toilet before looking back at Sonny. “Is it okay if I have a quick shower?” he asked, gesturing to his chest as he had white streaks of come matting his chest hair.

“Of course,” Sonny replied. He wasn’t quite sure what would happen now. He half expected Rafael to get dressed and leave as soon as he finished his shower, but was hoping that wouldn’t be the case. It was up to Rafael though. He had done as he said he would, and helped Sonny more than he knew, but he had a boyfriend, and Sonny wasn’t going to take advantage of the other man’s generosity.

When Rafael got back into the bedroom with a towel wrapped round his waist, Sonny excused himself to go and get his own shower. He emerged quickly, and schooled his face so he could be sure not to show his disappointment if he got back to find Rafael fully dressed. But he was surprised to see that Rafael was back lying in bed, this time with the sheet draped over him to his waist, and reading one of Sonny’s law reference books which had been by the bed.

Sonny toweled off roughly before getting back into bed himself. He debated whether he should put on boxers, but spotted Rafael’s still lying on the floor where he had thrown them, so decided not to. His thoughts were distracted by Rafael asking him about his classes, and they had a conversation about Sonny’s progress through his law degree before Sonny started yawning.

“Tired?” Rafael asked.

“Yeah. I don’t sleep well now, as you know.” Sonny replied.

“How often do you usually have the nightmares?” Rafael queried gently.

Sonny sighed. “Every night. I can’t remember when I didn’t have one,” he admitted.

“Well hopefully we’ve done enough to reduce the frequency of them if not stop them altogether,” Rafael commented.

“I really hope so,” Sonny said, before asking hesitantly, “are you staying?”

Rafael looked him in the eye before putting the book back on the floor by the bed. “I was planning to, unless you’d rather I didn’t.”

Sonny was quick to reassure him. “No, that’s fine by me. I’m happy if you want to stay. I just hope I don’t wake you with a nightmare.”

Rafael shrugged. “I’m a pretty deep sleeper. If you have a nightmare, then you do. It’s not your fault, and I don’t mind if you wake me up.”

Sonny felt his eyes closing again, and reached round to turn out the light on his side of the bed before he settled himself more comfortably again. He had a thought and opened his eyes again, looking at Rafael as he turned out the light on his side of the bed. “Can I ask you something, Rafael?” he asked.

“Sure.”

“Tonight you’ve been so nice to me, and so different to how you usually are at work. Why is there such a contrast between what you’re like inside and outside work?”

Rafael was silent as he thought how to answer. “When I first started as a lawyer, it was pretty cut-throat where I worked. If I was the nice guy, people would be more likely to take advantage and see me as a pushover. So I started this ‘bastard Barba’ persona and it’s like second nature now, a mantle I put on with my suit. For a long time my work consumed me, and I didn’t have many friends or much life outside the job to remind me that the way I was at work wasn’t the real me. But over the last few years I’ve started to change that. I’m trying to open up more to people outside work. But inside work, don’t expect to see any change. I’ve been very successful and it’s worked for me even if people do see me as an asshole.”

Sonny thought about it for a minute. “Thanks for showing me the real Rafael. I definitely like you more than Barba.”

Rafael laughed. “You seemed to like Barba well enough before you saw any other side to me.”

“Well, I admired him and fancied him, but I wouldn’t say I liked him most of the time. Especially not when he was making fun of me. But you don’t do that as much now. I know that’s probably due to what happened to me, and you now seeing me as a victim, but it did help, as I don’t think I could have taken it after the attack.”

“No, I don’t see you as a victim any more. Straight after it happened, maybe I did, but not now. You really are a survivor. Not everyone would have been strong enough to go through what you did. You coped with the trial, and came back to the job, which I doubt most people would have done. Even the way you have been determined to stop the nightmares and have reclaimed your sexuality has shown great strength.”

“Thank you. I really appreciate you saying that, and for what you have done tonight. Nick’s a lucky guy.”

“I’m the lucky one, and really tonight was no great hardship. It’s not as if I didn’t enjoy myself.” Rafael waited for a minute to see if Sonny would say anything else, but when he didn’t, he whispered “good night Sonny,” into the darkness, then closed his eyes and settled. He could hear deep steady breathing next to him and let the sound lull him into sleep.

***

Sonny woke up to find sunlight streaming through the too thin curtains over his bedroom window. He blinked, as everything felt unfamiliar. He hadn’t woken up in daylight for months, since before the attack. Come to think of it, he had slept through the night too, for the first time, and actually felt awake, not the dragging sensation of exhaustion. He was warm and comfy too, although his pillow felt hot… and hairy. He looked down and pulled back quickly when he realized that he had been using Rafael’s chest as a pillow, probably for a while. He glanced up, embarrassed, to see a gentle smile on Rafael’s face. He looked as if he had been awake for a while.

“Uhm…sorry,” he muttered, flushing red and finding it difficult to make eye contact. They had gone to sleep on different sides of the bed but at some point during the night he had obviously invaded Rafael’s space and cuddled him.

“Don’t worry about it. I didn’t hear any nightmares during the night - did you sleep well?” Rafael asked.

“Yeah, I slept really well, all through the night I think.” Sonny moved fully away from Rafael and pulled himself to his side of the bed. He had a hard-on and didn’t want the other man to notice, although he probably had felt it considering it had been pressed against his hip. Their night was over though, so although Sonny would like to take advantage of having an attractive, naked man in his bed, he couldn’t do that. He slipped out of bed, keeping his back to Rafael, and put on the bathrobe which was on the back of the door before turning round to face him.

“Do you want a coffee? I’ll go and make some.”

Rafael nodded and watched Sonny pad out of the bedroom. He had been awake for a while but hadn’t wanted to wake Sonny considering how comfortable he seemed and the fact that he was actually sleeping in. He obviously needed the sleep so Rafael was determined not to disturb him. Instead he ran over the events of the evening in his mind.

He had been shocked when Nick had first suggested the idea of him having sex with Sonny to help him recover from his attack, and his first instinct had been to say no. But he had changed his mind after seeing how bad Sonny looked, and had resigned himself to doing it. He had expected to not really enjoy it, and just have to go through with it to keep his promise.

But he had forgotten that when Sonny had started with SVU, he had found him attractive. He had also found him very irritating at work thanks to his incessant legal comments which were seldom right, and his overeager attitude as a detective. But gradually the irritations had decreased as Sonny had gotten more experience, and after the attack, they had gone completely. He was still an attractive man though, and as Rafael had just found out, quite sexy in the right circumstances. Rafael had enjoyed the time they had spent together, much more than he felt he should have done, considering his relationship with Nick. But the night was over now, so Rafael got out of bed and dressed.

Rafael joined Sonny in the kitchen just as Sonny was pouring out the coffee. He passed the mug to the ADA and then excused himself to go and get dressed. He was quickly back and gulped down some of his own coffee before busying himself in the kitchen, getting out a frying pan and ingredients from the refrigerator.

“I’m in the mood for omelets for breakfast. Is that okay with you?” Sonny asked.

Rafael looked startled. “Sure. I’ve heard good things about your cooking. Now I can find out if Liv has been exaggerating or not.”

Sonny laughed. “Omelets aren’t hard to cook. I was going to suggest I cook for us last night, but decided against it.” Sonny looked at Rafael and saw his quizzical look so expanded on that comment. “I didn’t think I’d be able to eat, with the knots in my stomach, and I thought dinner might seem a bit too date-like, which is not what last night was.”

“You’re probably right there, but I wouldn’t have said no. I rarely refuse food. That and good whiskey are my main weaknesses.” Rafael watched as Sonny moved like a whirlwind in the kitchen, and it was only a few minutes later when a perfectly cooked fluffy omelet was put in front of him.

Sonny grinned at Rafael then turned away to cook one for himself while Rafael tucked in. It was delicious. Sonny sat down at the counter and his omelet didn’t last long. He had his appetite back, and the food along with the sleep had made Sonny feel better than he had since before the attack. The orgasms and great sex the night before definitely helped too.

Rafael finished his coffee and stood up. He should go. This wasn’t a typical morning after, but there was no need to linger, and he had some work he wanted to do before he saw Nick that evening. “Thanks for breakfast Sonny; that was great. I’d better go though. I want to finish my closing for the trial today.”

Sonny stood up and saw Rafael to the door. He pulled the shorter man into a hug. “I just want to say thank you again, Rafael. I really appreciate last night, and I feel great today, so I really think it has helped.”

Rafael hugged Sonny back then let go before it could go on too long. “You’re welcome. I had a good night too. You definitely look better today after a full night’s sleep, so if I helped that, I’m glad. Thanks for the breakfast as well. It’s a shame I can’t tell Liv how good your omelets are, but I don’t think I can come up with a reason you would have cooked me breakfast.”

Sonny laughed. “That’s true. Oh well, I’ll make sure to invite you next time I have the team over for dinner. Good luck with the rest of the case, and I expect I’ll see you at some point next week, counselor.”

Rafael raised his eyebrow at the name, having gotten used to being called Rafael by Sonny, but they did need to get back to their usual working relationship. “Bye Carisi. Have a good day.” He smiled and then let himself out.

***

Nick had had a great time with Zara, and it had successfully kept him occupied during the day, but he had struggled a bit on Saturday night when Zara was in bed asleep, and he had unsuccessfully tried not to think about what Rafael and Sonny were probably doing. He had an active imagination though, and it had tortured him. He ended up having a few more beers than he usually would have in an effort to distract himself.

Sunday was better, as he knew that the worst was over with, and he would be seeing Rafael later. He even got a text at lunchtime from his partner, asking what time he would be over, as the counselor was getting bored of working. That cheered Nick up, and he was in a much better mood after that, despite the hangover.

By 6pm Zara was back home with her mother and Nick was just arriving at Rafael’s. He felt nervous, for the first time in months, not sure if he should ignore the previous night or ask how it had gone. He decided to play it by ear and see how Rafael was acting. He let himself in and quickly realized Rafael was cooking. He followed the great aroma into the kitchen and walked up to Rafael and plastered himself against the smaller man’s back, wrapping his arms around him. Rafael turned his head and kissed Nick, before quickly turning the chicken in the pan over, then turning the heat down and pouring the sauce over the top. Now he could give Nick his full attention.

Rafael turned in Nick’s arms and reached up to kiss him. After a few minutes, they broke the kiss and Rafael muttered “that’s better. I’ve missed you.” He leaned in to kiss him again, and it threatened to get out of hand as the passion between them rose. Rafael pulled away and turned the burner off completely, before taking Nick by the hand and leading him to the bedroom. They both needed this.

Nick didn’t hesitate to get undressed and pulled Rafael to the bed as soon as he was naked too. Their bodies thrust against each other as they kissed passionately. They weren’t going to last long. Nick blindly reached out a hand to Rafael’s bedside table and felt around until his hand grasped the tube of lube. He pulled it out and opened it, coating a few fingers with the slippery gel before running his hand down his partner’s back to his ass, then down between his cheeks to the puckered entrance. It was more usual for Rafael to top than Nick, although they were both comfortable with either position, but tonight Nick wanted to stake his claim and take his lover. He was pretty sure Sonny wouldn’t have done this the previous night. Nick tried to banish thoughts of Sonny and Rafael together and instead concentrated on opening up Rafael. It didn’t take long, and the older man was flushed and panting, thrusting up towards Nick’s hand within minutes.

Rafael pulled away, reluctantly, and got on his hands and knees. He bent down to take the throbbing hardness of Nick’s cock between his lips and sucked, swirling his tongue around the head. Nick brushed his fingers through Rafael’s hair, holding him down, and thrusting up into his mouth. He could only take this for a couple of minutes though, and then pushed Rafael away, before rolling away and getting onto his knees himself, this time behind the older man. He got the lube again and slicked up his cock before guiding it to Rafael. He thrust in deeply, knowing the other man could take it, and then wrapped his arms around him, using one hand on his cock and another over his heart, feeling the frantic beating, and caressing one erect nipple.

Rafael groaned. He had enjoyed the night before, but being here with Nick, who seemed to be in the mood to dominate him tonight, was definitely better. They knew what they both liked, and there was no hesitation in their movements. They found a rhythm together, fast and furious. Neither of them was going to last long. Their groans mingled with odd phrases and curses in Spanish as both of them strained to get closer to their peaks. Rafael came first, and the clenching around Nick’s cock set him off.

Both men collapsed to the bed in a sweaty heap, their limbs still tangled together. They gazed into each other’s eyes as they caught their breath, a big smile on each of their faces. They had done their good deed but now it was just the two of them, together like they should be.

***

Monday morning found Sonny at work, bright and enthusiastic, in a way he hadn’t been for months. Everyone noticed, but no-one apart from Nick had any idea what might have caused the change. They had all gotten so good at not commenting on Sonny’s changing moods that they didn’t like to say anything. Eventually Liv did though, and Sonny grinned as he confirmed he had had a good weekend and had caught up on some sleep. He didn’t look at Nick as he said this, in fact had been avoiding being alone with the other detective all morning. He didn’t know what to say, other than grovelling his thanks yet again, which wasn’t appropriate at work.

Liv put the two detectives together to go out and interview a suspect though, and so as they battled the traffic in Manhattan, Nick felt he had to say something to break the silence.

“You look much better today, so I’m guessing that Saturday night helped you.” Nick glanced round at Sonny as he was stuck in traffic, and saw the smile on Sonny’s face.

“Yeah, it helped. Thank you so much. I’d forgotten how great it was to get a good night’s sleep. I don’t know that the nightmares are banished for good, but I’m happy to take what I can get. I’ve had two nights of uninterrupted sleep now, and feel miles better already.”

“Good. It was worth it then.” Nick commented. He saw Sonny looking around at him, as if not sure whether to say what was on his mind.

“Did you have a good weekend with Zara?” he asked, having decided against mentioning Saturday night any further. Rafael had said he wasn’t planning on telling Nick anything, but he wasn’t sure if he had changed his mind if Nick had wanted to know.

Nick relaxed minutely as he realized that Sonny was changing the subject, and told Sonny what he and Zara had done, and then their conversation changed to work as they discussed theories for their current case. Their relationship was back to normal. 

***

Later in the week Sonny had to go to with Liv to the ADA’s office to discuss the warrants they wanted to search their suspect’s home. Sonny had interviewed the man so was there to fill Rafael in on what the man said. He was a bit apprehensive, not having seen Rafael since he left his apartment on Sunday morning, but knew being with Liv would help. It would have been much more difficult if it had been Nick with him.

Rafael treated both Sonny and Liv as he usually would do, and noticed that this time Sonny was doing the same with him and not at all awkward like he had been the week before. He did notice that the detective looked much better now, with the dark shadows under his eyes fading, and a spark back in his eyes that had been absent for a long time. He was really pleased that Nick’s plan, while seeming crazy at the time, had actually worked. Sonny was getting back to his old self, finally.


	2. Chapter 2

Work continued as usual, and Sonny continued to improve. He did still have the odd nightmare, which was only to be expected, but they weren’t as vivid, and were much less frequent. The fact that he was now getting a good night’s sleep most nights meant he could cope with the odd disrupted night and it didn’t make him feel as bad as it had been in the past.

His therapist was happy with his progress, and surprised when Sonny told her what had made the difference. She was pleased that her suggestion had led to this result, as she had been dismayed when Sonny had told her that having sex with a woman hadn’t done much good. She reduced their appointments as Sonny didn’t need the help as much now, and they agreed that monthly visits would be fine.

Everything was back to normal. Sonny still saw Nick some Friday nights, but less frequently. He was busy studying for exams, and he was less in need of support now. Also, their relationship occasionally had awkward moments now, although it wasn’t frequent enough to cause problems. Nick still wondered what the two men had done, as he had never asked, and Rafael hadn’t volunteered the information, but he didn’t allow it to cause problems with his relationship with either man.

But Nick was finding his relationship was stalling with Rafael for another reason. He found he just couldn’t commit to it fully. His previous relationships had all been with women, and although he had no problem being with Rafael when it was just the two of them, he struggled to agree to coming out to other people. He was still spending most nights with Rafael, but had put off moving in fully, which would mean disclosing their relationship at work.

Things got worse when Maria announced that she was taking a job in Los Angeles. Nick argued with her about her taking their daughter all the way to California, making it impossible to see her each week as they had agreed, but Maria was adamant. She suggested he go too, as he could get a job with the police department in LA, but without disclosing his relationship with Rafael, Nick couldn’t adequately explain why he wasn’t prepared to do that. Telling her about Rafael would be impossible now, as he was going to have to fight harder to see Zara if she was living thousands of miles away.

Their relationship seemed to be at an impasse, and Nick knew it was his fault, but couldn’t seem to get past it. Rafael was getting impatient, but knew it was a difficult situation for Nick and was trying to give him time. It was making things strained between them though.

Then a series of events sealed the fate on their relationship. Cynthia told Nick that she was moving with Gil to San Diego. He needed to get away from the gangs where they lived. So Nick’s other child was moving to California. Nick railed against it, but there was nothing he could do. She had made her mind up.

Nick decided to concentrate on his career. After the discussion with Liv about the plans the higher ups had for the department, he threw his energy behind studying for the sergeant’s exam. It was great distraction and Rafael encouraged him, knowing Nick had to feel something was going right in his life. He had only just gotten into it when Liv sat him down and told him that there was no point; 1PP wouldn’t promote him even if he passed, due to his past anger management issues. He was stuck as a detective.

Nick was furious, not just with the higher ups, but with himself. One moment of him losing his temper had not only gotten him thrown in jail, which was bad enough, but had meant his career progression was over. He felt his life was out of his control; his children were being taken away from him, his career was stalled, and his relationship with Rafael was stuck too, as he couldn’t come out to his ex-wife in case it caused custody problems.

Rafael tried to be supportive, but he had his own worries. The burden of the nightmare case against Johnny D was bad enough, but now that Liv had gone against his advice and admitted the defendant was Noah’s biological father, he felt the pressure of Liv’s future with Noah rested on his shoulders too. Both men were ratty and irritable, which didn’t help either of them deal with the pressures they were feeling.

Things improved for Rafael when Liv got the girls to agree to testify, and he was positively hopeful by the time they had all finished giving their testimony. Once Johnny D was put away, he could concentrate on his relationship with Nick again.

Then everything went to hell as shots rang out in the courtroom. Rafael stayed in the court, helping stem the bleeding of a women who had been shot, while the detectives went after Johnny D. He heard more shots ring out and it was a few minutes later that Sonny came back into the courtroom. He immediately went to one of the court personnel and asked her to take over from Rafael, then led the now frantically worried ADA to sit down.

“Nick’s been shot, Rafael. He’s alive, and Amanda’s gone with him in the ambulance. She will keep us informed.” Sonny kept one hand on Rafael’s arm in comfort. He was still the only one at work who knew about their relationship, so he had wanted to make sure he was the one to inform Nick’s partner. He could see the tears in his eyes at the news, and knew he was struggling to control his emotions.

“Where…” Rafael managed to croak out.

“He’s been taken to Bellevue,” Carisi started, and then changed tack when Rafael shook his head. “I wasn’t close enough to be able to tell much, but it looks like he took two bullets – one to the knee and one to his abdomen.”

Rafael bent over with his head in his hands. He knew what a bullet to the knee would mean, if Nick survived the shooting.

“I’m sure it’s no consolation, but he got Johnny D. He’s dead.” Sonny wasn’t sure what to do. Really Rafael should be at the hospital, but as no-one knew about them that was impossible without admitting their relationship. As work colleagues who didn’t appear to the others to be particularly close, it would look strange. Still, he felt he should suggest it.

“Do you want to go to the hospital?” Sonny asked hesitatingly.   

Rafael laughed. “Yes, of course I do. But I can’t can I? Not without revealing our relationship, and Nick is reluctant to do that. I can’t out him to everyone when he’s been shot, can I? I’ve got to act as normal. But you will keep me informed won’t you, Sonny? I’ve got to know what’s happening. If he… if it’s bad, I need to hear it from you, not someone else who doesn’t know about us.” Rafael was looking pleadingly at Sonny as he said this, and one tear rolled down his face.

“Of course I’ll tell you everything I know, as soon as I know it. But in the meantime, I think you need to get out of here. You’re covered in blood. I’ll take you home.” Sonny stood up and Rafael followed, but when the detective tried to steer him to the back of the court and out, Rafael resisted.

“No. I need to see, before I go, where it happened.” He started walking towards the side door, where Johnny D had dragged the court reporter and had met his death, and Sonny quickly went ahead of him to see who was still in the area that would see the distraught ADA. Luckily none of the detectives who know them were still there, it was just CSU photographing the scene, and the ME supervising Johnny D’s body being bagged and taken away.

Rafael walked unsteadily towards the big patch of blood closest to him. He looked questioningly at Sonny who confirmed that that was where Nick had been shot. Rafael looked at the amount of blood pooled on the floor, realizing it was all Nick’s, before his knees went shaky, and Sonny had to help him out of the corridor. He didn’t resist as Sonny guided him to his car and took him home, not even questioning how Sonny knew where he lived. He was in his own world, worrying about Nick and replaying the last minutes they had spent together that morning before they had both left for court. What if Nick died? What if those were the last minutes they would spend alone together? He hadn’t kissed Nick or told him that he loved him. What if he never got a chance to do that again?

Sonny parked the car and got out, opening the door for Rafael and helping him out. They made their way to the apartment, and once inside, Sonny sent the ADA to the bathroom to wash the blood off his hands while he searched the kitchen for the bottle of whiskey he knew must be there somewhere. He found it and a glass, and had a drink waiting by the time Rafael eventually appeared again, this time dressed in jeans and a casual shirt. He still looked pale and unsteady but made his way to Sonny and sat down, taking a large gulp of the drink.

Just then, Sonny’s cell rang. Both men looked at it, seeing it was Liv calling, before Sonny answered.

“Carisi, can you get to the station and give your statement. IAB needs it before they can sign off on the shooting, and the mayor’s office is pressing them for a statement.”

“Of course, Serg. I’ll go there now. But what’s happening at the hospital? How’s Nick?” Sonny could feel Rafael’s eyes boring into him as he listened to Liv’s answer before hanging up.

“Well?” Rafael demanded, immediately Sonny put the phone away.

“He’s in surgery. One bullet shattered his knee so they are replacing it, and the other one got his liver. He’s made it to surgery though, and Liv says they seem cautiously optimistic.”

Rafael slumped back in the seat and let out his breath in a sigh. “Thank God.”

Sonny hesitated. “Will you be okay on your own? I’ve got to go to the station and give my statement, but I don’t want to leave you like this.”

Rafael nodded. “I won’t be okay until I know Nick is out of danger, but you need to go. As long as you promise to keep me informed, I’ll cope.”

“I promise. As soon as I know anything, I’ll tell you.” Sonny confirmed again that he would keep Rafael in the loop, and then left the older man gazing into space, just waiting for news.

*** 

It took five hours for Nick to get out of surgery. He should make a full recovery from the bullet to his liver, although he would have another scar as a reminder of the close call. His knee on the other hand would never be the same. He had months of rehab to get through, and a replacement knee would never be as good as the original. He would most likely be medically pensioned off from the police department or stuck to a desk. Now he really had lost his career. But he was alive. That was the thought that Rafael clung to when Sonny rang him to tell him what the doctors had said. He told the ADA that the rest of the team had been waiting in the hospital for news, and had suggested that it wouldn’t look strange if he joined them, but Rafael had declined. He knew that he couldn’t keep up the pretense that his relationship with Nick was purely professional around the others at the moment.

When he heard from Sonny that the team were leaving the hospital, having been given 5 minutes only with Nick, he caught a cab there himself. On the way he kept looking at the text Sonny had sent. It included a photo of Nick, looking pale, but very much alive.  When he finally got there, he used his powers of persuasion to get in to see his partner. Nick was asleep, so Rafael stayed by his bedside, holding his hand and listening to the monitors beep as he saw the face twitch in pain, even in his sleep. A nurse hesitated by the door. She had been about to shoo Rafael away, but seeing the raw pain on his face and that he was holding hands with the patient, she realized what their relationship was, and decided to let him stay.

Nick’s eyes fluttered open, and he smiled when he saw Rafael sat next to him. He had been disappointed when he had woken up from the anesthetic and realized the rest of the team were there, but not his partner. He had seen Sonny tapping out a text message though, and take a photo of him in the bed. He had been about to object, but then guessed who Sonny was sending it to, and didn’t draw attention to it. He was glad that Sonny knew about them so was keeping Rafael informed.

“Hi, there. How are you feeling?” Rafael asked gently.

Nick shrugged. “I can feel some pain, but I’m guessing they have me on some heavy duty painkillers so it could be worse. I’m glad you’re here.”

“I wish I could have been here earlier, but I knew I couldn’t be around the others without giving us away. Sonny kept updating me though.” Rafael explained. He leaned forward and kissed Nick’s hand. He was feeling sappy and sentimental at nearly losing Nick. “I love you, Nick,” Rafael whispered. He didn’t say it nearly enough.

Nick smiled. “I love you too. I’m sorry I gave you a scare, and that you had to keep away.” He could feel his eyes closing again as the painkillers took effect.

Rafael watched Nick lose his battle against sleep and drift off again. He stayed sat in the uncomfortable chair for a long time, just watching Nick sleep, until the nurse popped her head around the door and told him he had to go. He had actually remembered to be organized and had taken a bag with him of Nick’s things – toiletries and some clothes, plus his iPod and the book he was currently reading. He left the bag by the bed and got up stiffly, then made his way out. He made sure to give his contact details to the nurse, and asked to be kept informed if there were any changes to Nick’s condition, before heading home.

***

Within a week Nick was feeling better and was anxious to get out of the hospital. He couldn’t manage on his own though, so his mom was going to stay with him. Rafael wasn’t happy with that, as he wanted Nick with him, but while their relationship was still secret, there was no other option. The close scare had made Rafael appreciate their relationship more; having had a few frantic hours to consider what his life would be like without Nick in it. But it obviously hadn’t had the same effect on Nick. He was still adamant that they had to keep their relationship quiet. So Rafael found himself at his apartment most of the time when he wasn’t working, sneaking round to Nick’s when his mom wasn’t there. He missed Nick and wanted things to get back to normal.

Nick was finding that his recovery was giving him a lot of time for reflection. He had nearly died, and it had made him reconsider the direction his life was taking. He spoke to the doctors and they had a frank discussion with him about what he could realistically expect to be able to do with his knee after his recovery was complete, and he also spoke to his police department delegate about his job prospects after his medical leave was over. He soon realized that he wouldn’t be able to stay working with SVU. They were short-handed enough, and didn’t need a detective who couldn’t pull his weight and go in the field. Knowing his options were limited with 1PP’s opinion of him, he made the decision that he had to take the medical retirement package that was being offered to him, and find something else to do.

A visit from Zara had made him think more about his children too. He had limited time while they were both still young enough to appreciate him being around. All too soon Gil and then Zara would be grown up and have their own lives to lead. He was running out of time to be a good influence, and not miss out on them growing up. He didn’t want to miss that, with them being thousands of miles away. With his injury, and likely to be out of work for some time, he wouldn’t necessarily be in a position to visit too often either from New York as they would both be in California. He didn’t want to miss any more of their lives.

He realized the only thing left in his life that was really stopping him making the changes he was considering was Rafael. He loved him, he really did, but he was starting to think that wasn’t enough. He had hesitated for months to tell anyone else about them or to really commit to their relationship, and he started to examine why that was. Yes, he was concerned how Maria would react, and if it would cause a problem with their custody agreement over Zara, but he wasn’t that enthusiastic about Rafael and Zara getting to know each other. Rafael had never indicated he was keen on children, and was positively awkward around Noah. He wasn’t sure how they would get on.

If he was honest, he was also a bit uncomfortable considering admitting he was in a gay relationship. As a lifelong heterosexual, at least as far as everyone in his life knew, coming out was a bit terrifying. He wasn’t homophobic, and had no problem with how anyone lived their life, but knowing the prejudice that gay men faced, he really didn’t want to have to subject himself to the same treatment. He was quite happy as things were, with them staying in the closet. He knew Rafael wasn’t though. He wanted them to tell other people, move in together, and live openly. Nick was finding himself more reluctant to do that, the more he thought about it.

When he weighed everything up, he found that it wasn’t that hard to make a decision about what he wanted to do next. He wanted to be close to his children, and make a new start. His love for Rafael wasn’t enough to stop him doing that. As a father, he had to make the most of the last few years of their childhood, and put them first. He had the rest of his life to find his own happiness. It was time to move on.

Nick started making arrangements, and going over his decision in his mind for a few days to make sure it was the right one before he spoke to Rafael. He knew this would be a difficult conversation, and wasn’t looking forward to it, but he knew it was the right decision for him. Rafael would just have to accept it.

Nick’s mom had plans to go away for a few days the next weekend, and he assured her that he would be able to cope on his own. This meant the coast was clear for Rafael to stay without being discovered. He ordered take out from one of their favourite restaurants, and they both ate and shared a bottle of wine. The atmosphere between them was awkward, as Nick was struggling to behave normally, and Rafael had picked up on his nervousness. Originally, his plan was to spend the night with Rafael before he broached the subject, but he found he couldn’t do that. His stomach was in knots just thinking of the conversation to come and he knew he had to get it over with.

Nick took a large gulp of wine. He had rehearsed what he wanted to say, but with Rafael sat in front of him, he struggled to get the words out.

“Rafael, I wanted to talk to you about my future. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking this week, had quite a few conversations with people, and made a decision.” Nick found himself looking at the table, not making eye contact. He knew he was going to hurt Rafael, and didn’t want to see the look in his eyes as he did it.

“My knee is never going to be able to recover sufficiently well for me to properly be able to do my job at SVU again, and with my past and 1PP’s opinion of me, I’m unlikely to get a position in another department that will give me the satisfaction I’ve had before in my career. So I’ve decided to take the medical retirement package and leave.”

Rafael took a deep breath in and a quick drink. He had noticed that Nick had been distant with him all evening, and he could tell by Nick’s face that he was winding up to something. He felt a dread welling up inside him at what could be coming next. He was hurt that Nick had made decisions without even discussing anything with him, and knew that didn’t bode well for them.

“I’ve realized that the two most important people in my life are Zara and Gil. I’ve been absent most of Gil’s life so far as it is, and with both of them moving to California, I’m likely to miss most of the rest of their childhood if I stay here in New York. I don’t want that. I need to see more of them than once a month visits and only having contact by phone or video calls. I’ve only a few years to really make a difference in their lives. I can’t live thousands of miles away from them and do that. So I’ve decided I need to move to California, and be near them.”

There was silence in the room. Nick reluctantly looked up and saw the devastation in Rafael’s eyes, before a mask fell, and he covered up how he was feeling. He didn’t say anything though.

After a few minutes of silence, Nick asked Rafael “Are you going to say something?”

“What’s the point?” Rafael bit out, furiously. “Obviously my opinion doesn’t matter to you; otherwise you would have discussed this with me before making decisions that affect both of us.” 

“It’s not that your opinion doesn’t matter, but I needed to make this decision for myself.” Nick pleaded with Rafael to understand, but knew it was futile.

“So I see. Well, you’ve made your decision. When are you planning to leave?” Rafael asked. He was determined not to give in to his feelings.

“I’ll tell Liv next week, and I’ve already put in my papers. I’ll fly out to California when the doctors say I can, and view places to live. I’ve already seen some online. I can probably be out there in a month or 6 weeks. Better to make a quick break I think. We both need to move on.”

Rafael concentrated on breathing. This had been a shock, and although rationally he could understand Nick wanting to be close to his children, he hadn’t even thought about Rafael, or considered if they could find a way to continue their relationship.

“Well that’s that then I suppose. You’ve made your decision and I’ll just have to live with it.” Rafael stood up and put his coat on. “I never expected you to treat me like this Nick. I always suspected my feelings for you were stronger than yours for me, especially when you wouldn’t commit to moving in with me or disclosing, but I would never have treated you this way. So you’re welcome to your new start Nick. Throw away our relationship with your career and the rest of your life in New York and move on. I hope it makes you happy. You doing this has just proved that I’m better off without you.” Rafael glared at Nick before storming out, and slamming the door behind him.

Nick stared after Rafael, knowing that he had done what he needed to do, but hating the hurt he had caused. He felt tears well up in his eyes as he thought about what he had just destroyed. Yes he had needed to tell Rafael his decision and break things off, but he probably could have gone about it in a better way. He knew how Rafael felt about him, and realized how much he had hurt the other man. There wasn’t even anyone Rafael could turn to for support, as Nick had refused to let him tell anyone about them.

Nick then considered that there was one person who did know about them. Sonny wasn’t exactly good friends with Rafael, but he was the only person who was aware of their relationship. Nick decided he needed to do what he could to help Rafael after he had broken his heart. He picked up his cell and rang Sonny. He told Sonny what decision he had made, and what he had done, and asked him to check on Rafael. He could hear the condemnation in Sonny’s voice as he said he would.

“I can’t believe you, Nick. Rafael loves you. When you were shot, I thought he was going to fall apart. He was devastated. And now you’re just throwing away what you’ve got to move to the other side of the country? I can understand that you want to be near your kids, but did you have to break Rafael’s heart in the process? Couldn’t you have discussed it with him, try to find a way to make your relationship work anyway? I bet he would have come with you if you had asked him.” Sonny was furious. He cared about both men, but he would always have a soft spot for Rafael. He had seen first-hand how much he cared about Nick, and was furious that Nick had been so callous in his treatment of his partner.

Nick was silent through this outburst. He knew he couldn’t explain why he had gone about this the way he had. He was pleased that Sonny was on Rafael’s side though. He knew he would need the support, even if he was reluctant to admit it. “It had to be this way Sonny. I couldn’t commit to our relationship the way Rafael wanted me to, so it never would have worked. I couldn’t ask him to come with me, knowing that. I’m just not ready to come out and admit I’m in a gay relationship, or risk my custody arrangements if Maria and Cynthia don’t accept it. But I do love Rafael, which is why I know he is right; he is better off without me. I know I’ve hurt him, but he will get over me, and find someone else eventually. I wish things hadn’t ended this way though.”

Sonny sighed. He could understand both sides to an extent, and as a man who considered himself mainly heterosexual, he realized how difficult it would be for Nick to admit to being in a gay relationship. But he himself wouldn’t hesitate if he had a relationship as strong as the one those two men had had. “Look Nick, it’s really none of my business. But I will check up on Rafael. I’m glad you called me. I’ll see you at Liv’s party next week.”

After breaking off the call, Sonny considered the best option of what to do next. He didn’t expect Rafael to be too keen to lean on anyone or talk about it, but he wanted to offer, and in person, so he could see for himself what state he was in. He decided to try Rafael’s apartment first, and then consider the options if he wasn’t there.

Sonny drove over to the apartment, and was lucky and managed to get through the door downstairs due to a couple leaving as he arrived. He caught the lift to the eighth floor and knocked on the door. He heard noise inside and heaved a sigh of relief that he wouldn’t have to chase across the city trying to track Rafael down, then he heard the lock turn and the door opened.

Rafael glared out, not wanting to be disturbed in his misery. He saw Sonny outside and hesitated, then crossed his arms across his chest. “What are you doing here Sonny?” he bit out.

“Can I come in please?” Sonny took a step forwards, and Rafael moved out of the way without thinking about it. Sonny walked into the apartment and sat down, seeing the glass and half full bottle of whiskey on the table by the sofa. He couldn’t blame Rafael for wanting to drown his sorrows in whiskey. He would probably do the same thing.

Rafael shut the door and stood by the sofa, still glaring at Sonny. “Well? What do you want?”

Sonny looked at Rafael closely, seeing the red eyes and reading the hurt in them despite the attitude he was throwing off. “I came to see how you were. Nick rang me and told me what he had done. I’m worried about you, and so is he.” He thought that mentioning Nick would help him break through the defensive shields he could see were up in the other man.

Rafael laughed.  There was no humor in it though. “If Nick was really worried about my feelings, he wouldn’t have treated me the way he has done.  You don’t need to worry about me either. I’ll get over him. I’m better off without him.” With this he leaned over to pick up his glass and wobbled, so decided he’d better sit down. He took a large swig which drained the glass, then refilled it again.

Sonny sat there watching him, and then decided he could do with a drink too. He got up and went to the kitchen and found a glass, then brought it back, and poured himself a drink. Rafael watched this without saying anything. His anger and animosity was fading now.

“Nick does care about you. He definitely went about this the wrong way, and shouldn’t have made any life-changing decisions like this without including you, but I understand why he wants to be near his children. I can’t believe he was so willing to give up the relationship you guys had. I’d do anything to have someone feel about me the way you do about Nick, but he’s just thrown it away.” Sonny took a drink of the whiskey before looking round at Rafael, who was gazing across the room. Sonny could see tears in his eyes now.

“It’s because I’m a man. He wasn’t ready to tell people he was in a gay relationship. All those months he hesitated to agree to disclose. I should have realized then that he wouldn’t commit to me. I should never have opened up to him and taken a chance in the first place. ” Rafael took another drink.

“It’s always worth taking a risk for love,” Sonny disagreed. He had been hurt in the past, but it wouldn’t stop him making the effort and trying to find someone else. He thought it was worth it to find someone to share his life with.

“No it isn’t. Not when it hurts like this. I won’t take the risk again.  Everyone who has ever loved me leaves in the end. I spent years alone, before Nick. My job was enough for me. It will be again.” Rafael couldn’t imagine ever opening himself up to this type of hurt again. It just wasn’t worth it.

“You have so much to offer someone, Rafael. Don’t give up on love. Maybe Nick wasn’t the right one for you, but you will find someone who appreciates you, sooner or later. Just stay open to that possibility. Life’s too long to spend it alone.” Sonny was convinced what he was saying was the truth, but could see that Rafael didn’t believe him. He saw a tear escape and roll down his cheek before another one followed. He could tell Rafael was trying to hold back his feelings, but was losing the battle. He moved closer and put one arm around Rafael’s shoulders, pulling the shorter man towards him.

Rafael took a deep breath and tried to pull away from Sonny, knowing he wouldn’t be able to stop his tears while being comforted by the detective, but it didn’t work. Within a minute he was crying while Sonny stroked his back. Rafael wrapped his arm around Sonny’s waist and allowed himself to be comforted.

After a while, his tears stopped, and Rafael reluctantly pulled away. He kept his eyes averted, embarrassed at having been so week as to cry in Sonny’s arms. Sonny just passed him his handkerchief and poured them both another drink.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to cry all over you like that,” Rafael said quietly.

“No problem. They are better out than in. I’ve shed enough tears over the years when relationships have failed to know that. Do you want to talk about it?”

Rafael shrugged his shoulders. “What’s there to say? I thought our relationship was the real thing, meant to last. I thought finally I had found someone who I would be with for the rest of my life. Nick didn’t feel the same way, and is moving on. I’ll just have to accept that and move on too.”

Sonny was silent. “Is there anything I can do to help you?”

Rafael looked at him. “Giving up your Saturday night to be with me is enough help, don’t you think? I do appreciate it.”

Sonny smiled. “That’s no problem at all. I’m glad I can be here for you. I just wondered if there was anything else. I know Nick was staying here most of the time before he got shot, so if you need help boxing his stuff up or returning it to him, then I don’t mind.”

Rafael looked around, realizing how much of the stuff around his apartment belonged to Nick. “Oh God, I hadn’t even thought about that. Yes he does have a lot of stuff here, and I really don’t want to see him unless I have to. I probably could do with a hand, if you’re sure you don’t mind? Not tonight though. I can’t face it tonight.”

Sonny nodded. “I wasn’t meaning tonight, and I don’t mind at all. I’ll get some evidence boxes from work, and you let me know when, and I’ll come round with them.”

“That would be good, thanks. In the meantime, how about we get drunk? You can stay in the spare room tonight if you don’t have to be anywhere else,” Rafael suggested.

Sonny smiled. “That sounds good to me. I haven’t been drunk for ages.”

*** 

A week later Rafael had his feelings well under control, and his Barba work mask fully in place when he had to face Nick at Liv’s party after her successful adoption of Noah. The hangover had lasted two days following Nick dumping him, but the shock had passed, and he was now getting used to the feelings of desolation. He wasn’t really ready to face Nick, but he had no choice.

Sonny had been great, bringing boxes over on Monday and Tuesday evenings and helping Rafael pack up Nick’s stuff, then taking the boxes away, later returning the key Nick had had for the apartment. Rafael didn’t ask Sonny what Nick had said and Sonny didn’t volunteer the information. The apartment looked much barer now that all traces of Nick had been eliminated, but Rafael was still haunted by the memories they had shared there. He was contemplating either moving or redecorating and buying new furniture. In the meantime, he had a party to get through.

Rafael got there on time, and found that Nick hadn’t arrived yet. He knew that Nick hadn’t told anyone in the squad apart from Sonny about his decision yet, but guessed that this afternoon would be the time he would break the news. He got himself a small drink, knowing he needed something to get through the afternoon, but aware he needed to keep in control if he was to get through it without anyone there realizing what he was going through. He had too much pride to allow anyone to know his heart was broken, especially Nick.

Nick was last to arrive, with Amanda. Rafael stayed out of his way, and avoided even looking at him. It just hurt too much. Sonny acted as a buffer whenever he could between the two men, distracting Nick when he got too close to Rafael, allowing the ADA time to slip away to talk to someone else. Nick realized what they were doing and gave up trying to speak to Rafael. He didn’t know what he would say anyway, but he just didn’t want to leave things the way they had when they had broken up. He took the opportunity to speak to Liv and tell her his decision, and she understood it, although of course she didn’t know about his relationship with Rafael so couldn’t judge him for how his decision had affected that. Later on at the party, Nick took the opportunity to single out other members of the squad to tell them the news too. Amanda was upset at him leaving, but Fin was pretty accepting of his decision, telling him that being there for his children was more important than where he lived, especially considering what had happened.

Rafael escaped as soon as he could without it being obvious he couldn’t wait to leave, and Sonny didn’t stay too long either. He was still feeling pretty bitter towards Nick having seen how much he had hurt Rafael. Once he got home, he rang the ADA and checked with him how he was. They had a quick conversation, but even with that, Rafael appreciated Sonny making the effort to contact him.

Nick left New York three weeks later, and got a rousing send off from most of the SVU squad at a local restaurant that they regularly visited. Rafael was invited but made his apologies as he was working. What Liv didn’t realize was that Rafael had deliberately offered to cover one of his colleagues that day so he would have a genuine excuse not to go to the party. There was no way he could cope with going. He had struggled enough with Liv’s party. He was relieved when he knew Nick had left, so there was no danger of bumping into him, or having Nick contact him for any reason.

***

The next few months saw Rafael working ridiculously long hours. His clearance rate was great, and he was in the DA’s good books again for the amount of cases he was winning, but the strain of the work and his lack of personal life were showing. He wasn’t sleeping much, and the dark shadows under his eyes became more pronounced, as did his frown lines. He was more irritable than usual, and relying on caffeine to keep him going during the long days, as he wasn’t taking the time to eat properly. He started to lose weight as a result, and was looking pale and ill.

Liv was the person he had always been closest to in the SVU squad, and she was worried about him, but he wouldn’t admit to there being anything wrong, and just brushed off her concerns. Luckily for him she was busy studying for the Lieutenant’s exam, plus managing the squad with Dodds breathing down her neck and then forcing his son onto the squad so he could spy on her, so this meant she was distracted.

Sonny wasn’t so easily put off, plus he knew the reason for Rafael’s current attitude. He remembered what he had been like after the attack, and how his teammates had tried to help him, with Nick giving up every Friday night to spend with him, and keep his mind off what had happened to him. Nick might not be his favorite person at the moment, but he would always be grateful for that. He was determined to do the same for Rafael.

So Rafael heard from Sonny a few times each week outside work. He invited Rafael over for dinner and cooked for him, they met up for coffee on a regular basis, and Sonny persuaded Liv to let him work-shadow the ADA. He badgered Rafael into helping him study for his finals, and then the bar exam, which was really just an excuse to stop him working, and get some decent food into him.

When Rafael admitted that he was planning to redecorate his apartment, Sonny offered to help, so several weekends in a row both men were to be found in the ADA’s home - painting, assembling furniture, and moving things around. By the time they finished, most rooms looked vastly different, and Rafael wasn’t plagued by memories of Nick there. Now he remembered Sonny’s laughter and the fun they had had during the transformation.

Rafael didn’t realize that Sonny was gradually working his way into his heart, and they had become good friends. He was the first person Rafael wanted to contact when something happened, from winning a case, to hearing a good joke, and he found he looked forward to spending time with Sonny every week. He thought about Nick less and less as time went on, and gradually started looking after himself better, although he was still working long hours, as he didn’t want to spend too much time alone. But his broken heart was starting to mend.

***

About 9 months after Nick had left; Rafael received an invitation to a wedding, a gay one. It was one of his Harvard classmates, who was getting married to his long-term partner, and they invited Rafael plus one. It was made very clear from the hand-written note attached to the invite that if Rafael was currently single, they had lined up for him many other bachelors so he would not be alone for the big event. Rafael’s heart sank when he saw this. Going to a gay wedding was bad enough, considering how he currently felt, and he definitely didn’t want to go to one where he would either have to explain what had happened to put him off relationships, or fend off interested suiters.

When Sonny visited his apartment that weekend, he saw the invite on the counter. He looked at it, and saw the black look from Rafael when he commented on it. Rafael explained the problem and Sonny came up with various options on how to deal with it, from not going, to taking someone with him (he even suggested hiring an escort if he didn’t know someone he could take), to just being honest and explaining to his friends in advance why he didn’t want to be fixed up for the event. Rafael thought about it while he was cooking dinner for the two of them. He looked seriously at Sonny as one thought occurred to him.

“Would you go with me, Sonny, as my date?” Rafael felt nervous asking the detective. He was the one person he could imagine taking with him who he would feel comfortable with, but he wasn’t at all sure Sonny would agree. After all, there is no way Nick would ever have agreed, and he had been Rafael’s boyfriend. Sonny wasn’t and he was aware the detective was mostly heterosexual, even though he was currently single.

Sonny looked shocked at the invite. He would never have imagined that Rafael would consider him suitable company amongst his Harvard classmates. Rafael had given him so much stick about Fordham law school that the invite came out of the blue. Of course, Rafael wasn’t actually asking him out, he just needed someone to go with him and pretend to be his date. By the time Sonny had thought this through, he realized he had been silent for too long, as Rafael turned to walk away and flushed, then murmured “never mind, forget I said anything.”

Sonny immediately went up to Rafael and stopped him with a hand to his arm. “Yes, of course I’d be happy to go with you; if you’re really sure you want me to.”

Rafael looked round with a relieved smile on his face. “Of course I do. I wouldn’t have suggested it otherwise. I’ll RSVP for us and make all the arrangements as we will need to stay overnight.”

Rafael did as he had said, and informed his friends that he would be bringing a date, then booked a hotel room for them, requesting twin beds, rather than the more standard double. He bought a present and a card, and made sure both he and Sonny had the weekend booked off from work. The wedding was afternoon on a Saturday, and it was a 4 hour drive away, so they would travel early that morning and stay until Sunday.

Rafael offered to drive, and collected Sonny bright and early, and they drove down chatting all the way. Rafael filled Sonny in on his friends’ lives, and some of the pranks they had pulled while at Harvard, and it put Sonny’s mind at ease. He admitted to Rafael he had been surprised that as a lowly detective and hopefully soon to be lawyer, but only from Fordham Law, he thought that Rafael wouldn’t have wanted to introduce him to his friends.

At this Rafael looked shocked. He hadn’t realized how much of what he had said to Sonny in the past the younger man had taken to heart. “Sonny, you’re a great detective, and to get your degree at night school while working full time is an achievement you are right to be proud of. Fordham law isn’t Harvard, but it is still a good law school. You’re a kind man, hardworking, and have overcome a lot in the last few years. You’ve been a great friend to me over the last year, and I really appreciate that. I would never be ashamed to be seen with you or want to hide you away if I was dating you.”

Sonny was open mouthed in shock. Slowly a grin spread over his face. He couldn’t believe what Rafael had said. It put a warm glow in his heart. He realized how far they had come in the last few years, since he first met the ADA as a green detective at SVU who put his foot in his mouth as often as anything useful came out of it.    

When they arrived at the hotel, Rafael checked them in and they made their way up to their room, only to find that the room was dominated with one king sized bed, instead of the twin beds that Rafael had requested. He immediately phoned reception, but even using his Barba bolshiness didn’t get him anywhere; the girl on reception was very sorry about the mistake, but the hotel was fully booked so she couldn’t move them to a twin room or even give them a second room.

Sonny gestured to Rafael it would be okay, and eventually Rafael gave in. He put the phone down with a sigh before turning to look at Sonny, who shrugged. “It’s okay, and only one night. We’ve shared a bed before, and this one is big enough for both of us. I don’t mind if you don’t.”

Rafael relaxed. He didn’t mind sharing, but hadn’t been sure Sonny felt the same way. “It’s okay with me. Do you want the bathroom first?” he asked. We’ve got an hour before we need to be downstairs for the ceremony.”

Sonny agreed and had a quick shower before relinquishing the bathroom so Rafael could get ready. They dressed in a comfortable silence before they left the room for the wedding.

As they waited for the elevator, it occurred to Sonny to find out what Rafael had told his friends. When he asked, Rafael looked embarrassed. “I said we’d been dating for a few months, and told them about you, that you were a detective and had finished your law degree and were waiting for the BAR exam results. I’m not usually that demonstrative in public so they won’t be expecting lots of PDAs from us, but I didn’t want to tell them that we were just good friends and have them trying to fix me up. Is that okay?”

Sonny smiled. “That’s fine. I don’t mind you being in my personal space or even the odd PDA if it seems appropriate to maintain our cover. It’s not as if we’ve never kissed or been close before.” Although they were only friends, Sonny had never forgotten the night they had spent together and how good it had felt to be with Rafael.

Just then the elevator arrived, and they made their way down to the hotel gardens where the ceremony was being held. Rafael only had time to introduce Sonny to two of his friends, Andrew and Carlos, before the wedding started. He found his mind wandering, from remembering what it felt like to be happy in a relationship, to feeling envious of the two men making their vows, promising to be together for the rest of their lives. He was startled to realize that he wanted that, to find someone who he could be happy with and commit to spending his life with. He never thought he would feel that way again after the way Nick had treated him, but now he felt a longing for someone special in his life.

Sonny was feeling similarly touched by the simple ceremony. He had always thought he would find someone and get married, but since his rape, he had given up hope. Even though it had been nearly 2 years, he still didn’t feel comfortable enough around new people to consider dating, and had been celibate since his one night with Rafael. He was lonely, and wanted to feel in love again, and have someone special, but he didn’t think it would happen to him now.

Both men were a bit subdued after the wedding party moved to the dining room for the reception, but a couple of glasses of champagne helped them both. They found their table and sat down, pleased to see that they were on a table with Rafael’s friends. Andrew and Carlos regaled their partners and Sonny with outrageous tales from their time at Harvard, and Andrew’s wife and Carlos’ boyfriend, as well as Sonny were all in fits of laughter throughout the meal.

Once the speeches were over, the music started, and most couples ventured out onto the dance floor. Rafael hesitated for a moment when the table emptied of the other couples, but then asked Sonny to dance. They swayed together to the romantic ballad, both of them with their arms around each other, and both enjoying the closeness.

Once the dance finished, Rafael headed to the bar while Sonny sat down. Andrew came and sat next to him and quizzed him about his relationship with his friend. He had been watching them all afternoon, and was surprised to see Rafael with someone who appeared unlike his usual type.

Sonny laughed when Andrew asked him how they had gotten together. “We met through work,” he answered. “He’s the ADA who works most with our squad, so we see each other a lot. It took a while for my charm to win him over, but he gave in eventually. We were at a bar having a few drinks after a bad case when I made my move. We’ve been together ever since.”

Rafael got back to their table with their drinks and sat down, putting one arm around Sonny. He had enjoyed their closeness on the dance floor, and decided to make the most of this opportunity. He changed the subject to Andrew’s family, successfully distracting his friend.

Night fell and the wedding party was still celebrating. Both Rafael and Sonny had been drinking since mid-afternoon, so even though they had been pacing themselves, they were both a bit worse for wear. Rafael was finding it hard to keep his hands off Sonny; despite what he had said earlier, he tended to get more affectionate when he had been drinking, and touching Sonny eased his loneliness and made him feel less alone.

Sonny wasn’t objecting. He was enjoying the close contact, which he had been without for so long, and his attraction for Rafael, which he had been ignoring for the last year, was back full force. It was so easy to give in to the illusion that they were together, and pretend that this was real. Sonny found that when Rafael wasn’t touching him, he moved closer to do the touching himself, so they were staying close together. Their gazes were drawn to each other, and although they hadn’t kissed, both men had gotten close to it.

Finally, the evening drew to a close, with one last love song. The DJ encouraged everyone onto the dance floor, and Rafael and Sonny willingly joined the other couples. There wasn’t much room, so even if they had wanted to stay apart, it really wasn’t possible. Sonny gave in as he felt Rafael’s hand stroke the small of his back and his thigh pushing between his own. He knew he was getting hard, and could feel an answering arousal in Rafael. He looked down into Rafael’s eyes, before he felt Rafael’s other hand weave through his hair and gently pull his head down so their lips touched.

The kiss was electrifying. Last time they had kissed, Rafael had been in a relationship and Sonny had been terrified, so neither of them had been in a position to really feel the passion between them that was apparent now. Both men gasped then moved even closer together, their kiss getting out of control and deep as their bodies rocked against each other and their tongues thrust together. They were unaware of anything going on around them they were so lost in each other.

They were jolted abruptly back to reality when Andrew nudged them with a laugh as he headed off the dance floor; “Get a room you two!” Sonny pulled away and colored. He couldn’t believe he had lost control like that. Rafael took his hand and pulled him back to their table so they could pick up their suit coats which they had discarded earlier that evening. They said a hasty goodbye to the others, and then they made their way back to their room.

There was silence in the elevator as they shared it with a group of other wedding guests. Rafael opened the door to their hotel room, and Sonny had no sooner closed the door behind him when Rafael pounced. He backed Sonny against the nearest wall and moved in, pulling Sonny close and kissing him again. This time there was nothing to stop them. They were thrusting against each other wildly, and Rafael was sure he was going to come in his pants for the first time in decades. He pulled Sonny’s shirt out of his pants and moved one hand up his back, feeling the smooth hot skin there, before his hand headed downwards, pulling Sonny’s ass towards him from inside his pants.

Sonny groaned. He had forgotten what passion like this felt like. He pulled open Rafael’s shirt, hearing a button ping off, but not caring. He ran one hand through the chest hair and caressed his nipple, before moving down, passing Rafael’s belt and stroking his hard cock.

Rafael gasped as he pulled away from Sonny’s mouth to breathe, and thrust into the hand at his groin. He buried his face in Sonny’s neck as he felt his orgasm crash through him, and cried out before slumping in Sonny’s arms, his knees trembling. He heard Sonny’s groan as he came too, then both men sank to the floor as their legs gave way. 

It took a few minutes for both men to recover enough to move, and then Sonny disentangled himself from Rafael to walk shakily to the bathroom. He stripped off his clothing and cleaned himself up before rinsing off the washcloth and taking it back out to Rafael. He handed it to the older man then turned away to get some clean clothes out of his suitcase, not making eye contact.

Rafael watched Sonny, a bit bewildered. That had been great, and he wanted to enjoy the aftermath with Sonny, and then go to bed together and continue to explore the passion that had been awakened between them. But Sonny was avoiding looking at him. He watched the younger man while he cleaned himself up before changing into clean boxers himself and sitting on the edge of the bed. Sonny was still avoiding looking at him, moving things around in his case.

“What’s the matter, Sonny?” Rafael asked, in a low voice.

Sonny shrugged. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that to happen. I shouldn’t have kissed you, downstairs, and led you on.”

Rafael slowly got to his feet and walked over to Sonny, taking him by the hand and leading him to the bed, until they were both sat side by side.

“I didn’t plan on that happening either, but I wanted you to kiss me, and I wanted things to continue when we got back up here. I care about you Sonny, and although today we have just been pretending to be together, what’s just happened makes me think that we should be more than friends. But what is it that you want?”

Sonny shrugged again, but Rafael wouldn’t let him off the hook. He put one hand on Sonny’s cheek, turning his head until he was looking at Rafael. He could see confusion in Sonny’s eyes, and tears. “Come on Sonny, talk to me. Tell me what you want,” he whispered.

“I don’t know,” Sonny said. “We’re friends, good friends now, and I don’t want to ruin that.”

“Friendship is a great basis for a relationship, and you can’t deny the passion between us,” Rafael commented.

“No,” Sonny replied. “But we’re too different. We want different things, have different backgrounds. This is really sudden, and we’ve both been drinking. I don’t think we should be making any decisions now.”

Rafael sighed. “Okay, we’ll revisit this conversation when we’re both sober. But I think we’d be great together. We’ve never discussed what we want and our differences haven’t gotten in the way of our friendship, so I don’t see why they would stop a relationship.” He waited to see if Sonny would say anything more, but he didn’t, so Rafael squeezed his hand and then let go, getting up and getting into the other side of the bed.

Sonny got up slowly and slid into the bed too, turning his back on Rafael before turning out the light. Neither man found it easy to get to sleep.

In the morning, Rafael woke up first, and despite the thumping headache, he smiled. Both men had gravitated towards each other during the night, and were curled up together in the middle of the bed. Sonny’s head was on Rafael’s chest, with one of his legs between the ADA’s, and his hard cock pressed into Rafael’s hip. Rafael stroked his hand down Sonny’s back while he waited for Sonny to wake up. Maybe now they were both sober, they could enjoy the morning after before they had to get up.

Sonny woke up feeling hungover and tired, and was confused as to where he was at first. Then it all came back to him in a rush. He and Rafael had ended up making out, and it had gotten out of control. Then Rafael had said he wanted a relationship with him. Sonny was afraid. He knew it would be so easy to give in and throw himself into a relationship, and he knew he could easily fall in love with Rafael. But he was scared of being hurt. He had seen the depth of feelings that Rafael had had for Nick, and he didn’t want to be second choice.

Sonny was under no illusions as to how Rafael felt about him. He was a good friend, one who had helped him when he had needed it, but he had never sensed any stronger feelings from him. He wanted someone to love him, to want to commit to a life with him. He didn’t believe that Rafael could ever feel that way about him. So it was best to stay friends. Sonny steeled his resolve and then rolled away from Rafael, smiling at him before getting out of the bed and heading to the bathroom.

Rafael watched Sonny walk away in confusion. He had seen that Sonny’s smile didn’t reach his eyes, and he was worried. He didn’t believe that he had taken advantage the previous evening – what had happened between them was mutual, even if they had both had a few too many to drink. But Sonny was pulling away from him. He heard the shower go on, and quickly made up his mind. He didn’t want to leave Sonny and give him more time to get his defenses up. He sent out a text to his friends, explaining he wasn’t going to make it to breakfast, but would ring them soon to catch up again. He put on the coffee maker in the room and it had just finished brewing and Rafael had poured out two cups of coffee when Sonny came out of the bathroom, with a bathrobe around himself as well as the towel.

Sonny looked warily at Rafael as he accepted one of the cups and took a sip. “Thanks,” he muttered.

Rafael sat down on the bed and looked at Sonny as he took a drink himself. “How are you feeling today?” he asked.

“I’m okay. A bit of a headache,” Sonny replied.

Rafael smiled. “Yeah. Me too. But I don’t regret what happened between us last night, and I still think we would be good together.” He was watching Sonny closely and saw him tense up as he spoke. “I don’t know why you think it would be such a bad idea, Sonny. Please help me to understand.”

Sonny stopped his task of picking out clothing to wear. He looked at Rafael and saw the confusion and hurt on his face. “We’ve been friends for a while now, and there has never been anything between us, then after a few drunken kisses you suddenly want a relationship with me? You told me after Nick you were never going to risk getting hurt again by letting yourself love someone. If I have a relationship with someone, I don’t hold back, and I want it to be serious, with potential for commitment like we witnessed yesterday. It would be too easy for me to fall in love with you, and I don’t want to do that when I can’t have that type of relationship with you. I don’t want to be hurt. I’d rather stay as friends and pretend last night never happened.”

Rafael was silent, shocked. Sonny looked at him for a minute, then turned around and quickly got dressed. When he was fully clothed, he looked around at Rafael who was still sat on the bed, not having moved. Sonny smiled, determined to lighten the conversation. “Wow. I never would have believed it if I hadn’t seen it for myself; Rafael Barba speechless!” Sonny laughed, although it was a bit forced. “Don’t worry Rafael; you don’t need to say anything. Weddings can make people lonely and think they want things that in the light of day they really don’t. Let’s just get ready and go home. I’ve got stuff I need to do before work tomorrow.”

Rafael blinked at him and then got up, picking up his toiletries and heading to the bathroom and into the shower. He thought about what Sonny had said while he was busy getting clean. He couldn’t deny that his feelings had changed quickly for Sonny, from considering him just a friend, to wanting a relationship. He knew that the wedding had been one factor in this, and so had the passion that had erupted between them, but he didn’t think that they were the only factors. But one thing he knew for sure was that he needed to do some serious thinking about this, which he didn’t have time for now.

The rest of the day they spent together was relatively normal. Both men were making an effort to treat each other as they always had, as if nothing had happened between them. The most important thing was their friendship, and they both agreed on that. Still, Sonny heaved a sigh of relief when Rafael dropped him at home and he was alone at last and could stop pretending. Although he was sure he was doing the right thing, he still felt a pang of regret for what he had given up. He had spent so much time trying to ignore his attraction for Rafael, knowing he never could have him, and then to get the chance and turn it down seemed crazy. But he knew it was the right decision for him. He might never find anyone else, but he couldn’t live with being Rafael’s second choice, and always feeling he was waiting for the day when Rafael would leave him when he found someone he could truly love.

Rafael spent the next week continually thinking about what had happened, and analyzing his feelings for Sonny. It was true, he had decided after Nick had dumped him that he wouldn’t allow himself to fall in love again, or give anyone else the chance to hurt him again. But time had healed his broken heart and one thing the wedding had done was to prove to him that he wasn’t ready to give up on love. He did want a relationship, love, and commitment. He knew that he was nervous about getting hurt again, but didn’t feel that way about getting involved with Sonny. He knew that Sonny would never treat him badly.

But did he want a relationship with Sonny because he was too nervous to go out and find someone else? He didn’t think so. He remembered all the things they had done together in the last year, with the talks, the meals and all the time they had spent with each other. They had gotten very close, knew each other very well, and Rafael knew he felt strongly about Sonny. Could those feelings turn into love though? Rafael thought they could. He wanted the opportunity to find out.  

He knew Sonny wasn’t likely to give in easily though. He decided on a plan of attack. He invited Sonny over for a meal, which was something they had done regularly in the past. Sonny was wary at first, but knew he couldn’t avoid Rafael, especially as he wanted their friendship to continue. So he duly turned up at Rafael’s apartment on Friday night with a bottle of wine. Although Rafael usually drank whiskey, he did indulge in good wine with a meal on occasion. Sonny thought that keeping off the hard stuff would be a good idea until they got their friendship back on track.

Rafael let Sonny in with a smile before heading to the kitchen to stir his pasta sauce. Sonny opened the wine and chatted with the ADA about his visit to his sister’s the previous evening. Their conversation was easy throughout the evening as they enjoyed the meal and the wine. Sonny even relaxed as they were getting on so well, without any awkwardness between them.

Rafael finished his wine and split the remainder of the bottle between their two glasses. He had been thinking all day about what he wanted to say to Sonny and was still struggling to find the right words. He was convinced he was doing the right thing though. They were getting on as well as they had ever done, but he was still feeling the attraction and an undercurrent of lust for Sonny which last weekend had brought to life.  

“I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said last Sunday. You were right in that it was sudden, my feelings changing from being friends, to wanting more with you. I don’t blame you for turning me down or being suspicious. But you were wrong in saying that you could never have a serious relationship with me. I know I said after Nick that I wouldn’t let myself love anyone again, but that was then. I don’t feel that way now. I want the same as you – a committed relationship with someone I love. I think we could have that, and I want to try. I care about you, and I trust you. I’m willing to open myself up to love again, for the chance to be with you. Please Sonny, give me that chance. Give us a chance.”

Sonny watched Rafael’s face as he said this, and could see that he was telling the truth. He sighed. He wanted to say yes, so much, but he was still scared of being hurt. “I’m not sure Rafael. I saw how much you loved Nick, how committed you were to him. Do you really think you could feel the same way about me?  I don’t want to be second choice because you can’t have the one you really wanted.”

Rafael reached over and took Sonny’s hand in his own. “Nick wasn’t right for me. I know that now. I don’t blame him for wanting to be near his children, but he rushed to give up our relationship and never considered fighting for us. Even before all the problems with his kids and the job came up, he wasn’t willing to commit to me, and I think we would have broken up anyway, even if he had stayed in New York.”

Rafael looked into Sonny’s eyes and could see that he believed him. “I want to be with someone who isn’t ashamed to be seen with me, who could love me and commit to me. I’m choosing to be with someone who I’m friends with first, so we know each other well and aren’t under any illusions as to what we’re getting. I’m older and wiser now; I know what I want and am going into this with my eyes open, not blinded by lust, even though I know we’ll have plenty of that too. I’ve thought seriously about this, and am sure that what we could have is exactly what I want, what I need. You’re my first choice Sonny, never a substitute.”

Sonny could feel tears in his eyes. He felt a surge of love for Rafael. He believed him, and despite his fears, was going to take a risk. It would be worth it. He nodded and saw the relief on Rafael’s face before he pulled him in for a passionate kiss.

Rafael pulled away to breathe and took Sonny’s face in both of his. “Are you sure Sonny?”

Sonny grinned. He had never been happier. “Yes, I’m sure. I want this; I want you. Now can we please stop talking and make love?”

Rafael laughed, and then got up, pulling Sonny to his feet and towards his bedroom. Once he got there, he immediately started undoing Sonny’s shirt, then pulled off his own, before attacking his other clothes. Within a minute they were both naked and tumbled onto the bed together, locked in a passionate kiss. Their hands were all over each other, exploring the skin they had never really had chance to get to know before. But the passion between them flared, and both men knew they weren’t going to last long enough to do all they wanted. They thrust against each other, and Rafael reached up and fumbled in the nightstand drawer, bringing out a condom and tube of lube. He passed both to Sonny, telling him breathlessly, “I want you to make love to me Sonny; I need to feel you in me, now.”

 Sonny wasn’t about to refuse. He pulled himself away from Rafael so he could get control, and then opened up the top, squirting lube onto his hand. He quickly found Rafael’s opening and prepared him, first with one finger then two, before Rafael got impatient.

Sonny put on the condom and lubed up the outside while Rafael pulled him on top of him and wrapped both legs around him. Sonny took a deep breath in then slowly pushed forward, feeling himself sink into the tight opening. It had been years, and he had forgotten how good this felt. He kept eye contact with Rafael all the time and could see the desire on his face. They started moving together, quickly finding a rhythm that worked for them, and the passion spiraled higher. Sonny moved his slicked hand between them to find Rafael’s cock, and fisted it in time with his thrusts. He was determined to make Rafael come first, and knew he wasn’t going to last long himself.

Rafael tensed up and gazed into Sonny’s eyes as he came, and the cry of Sonny’s name set him off too. They thrust a few more times before falling onto their sides on the bed, still entwined and breathing heavily.  

Sonny couldn’t stop the grin on his face. He really hadn’t expected this – Rafael really wanting a serious relationship with him, or the intensity between them – but he couldn’t deny it felt great.

Rafael opened his eyes to see the look on Sonny’s face. He had no doubts about what they were doing. He matched Sonny’s grin before pulling him forward into another kiss. This was going to go great, he could tell. They fell asleep like that, still wrapped up in each other. This time they knew their morning after would be great. Their lives together were just beginning.


	3. Epilogue

There was a crowd at the bar when Rafael and Sonny finally made it. They had stopped at home to change, having moved in together a month ago to a new bigger apartment, and as often happened, had gotten distracted and ended up making love before getting ready for the evening. Despite them being a couple for the best part of a year now, they were still in the honeymoon phase, and had trouble keeping their hands off each other when not at work. In work, they were professional, despite all the SVU squad and the DA knowing about them. They had disclosed after about 4 months, knowing they were serious and wanting to make that much of a commitment between them.

Rafael couldn’t deny he had felt better once they had done that. Although he hadn’t really doubted that Sonny would be willing to commit to a life with him, having this proof did make him relax a bit. No-one had had a problem with them, and even Sonny’s family had taken to Rafael, remembering how he had helped Tommy when he had been raped and then framed.

Tonight they were celebrating another successful win, and another pedophile put away for life. With Sonny’s expertise as a lawyer as well as a detective, there were fewer cases thrown out due to problems with the investigation, or errors being made as they gathered evidence, and they were on a winning streak.

There was another reason for all the squad to gather, although Amanda had kept this a secret until they were all in the bar. Nick was back in town and had wanted to catch up with his old friends. Amanda had assured him that only the squad was invited, not thinking to mention that Rafael, as Sonny’s partner and ADA, was now always included. They had had no contact since Nick had left, so it was awkward when Rafael and Sonny arrived to see Nick sat with the detectives.

Sonny immediately dropped Rafael’s hand, which he had been holding, but Rafael instead put his arm around Sonny, raising his chin defiantly as if daring Nick to say anything. Nick didn’t. They looked at each other for a minute before Rafael turned round and headed to the bar, taking Sonny with him.  

Liv had spotted the tension between Rafael and Nick, but the others hadn’t. Nick took a large swig of his drink before meeting the gaze of his former partner. “What?” he asked.

“What’s up with you and Rafael? I know you were never close friends, but that was weird. Do you have a problem with him and Sonny being together?” Live queried.

Nick laughed. “It’s Rafael now is it? You always used to call him Barba, even outside work.”

Liv shrugged. “I don’t call anyone else by their surname when not in work, and since him and Sonny have been together, he’s been out a lot more at social events. Anyway, don’t change the subject. Do you have a problem with him and Sonny?”

Nick sipped his drink again and shrugged. “I’m surprised. How long have they been together?”

“About 10 months I think. They disclosed about 6 months ago and recently moved in together. They seem very happy.”

“Good for them.” Nick smiled at Liv then deliberately turned and joined in the conversation Amanda was having with Fin as a way to change the subject.

Rafael bought drinks at the bar, then handed Sonny his beer. He didn’t bother walking back to the table where the others were sitting; knowing he and Sonny should talk first. He knew his partner would feel awkward with his former lover there. Although their relationship was strong, and they were well on their way to committing to each other permanently, they both still had occasional moments of hesitation or worry, and he knew Nick being there would be difficult for Sonny.

Rafael pulled Sonny away from the busy bar to the corridor to the restrooms, and pulled him forward into a kiss. Sonny responded, and then pulled away with a sigh. “I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t have pulled away from you like that, but seeing Nick here just brings things back.”

“I know it’s awkward. I wasn’t expecting to ever see him again. But he’s the past. You are my present and future. It’s you I love, not him. We’re among friends who know about us and support us. No-one even knows about me and Nick apart from you. Don’t let him get to you. It’s only for a few hours, and then he will be gone from our lives again.”

Sonny smiled. He knew Rafael was right. They shared another kiss, and then headed together back to the table, hand in hand again.

Sonny did his best to ignore the way Nick was watching him and Rafael, and instead talked to Amanda while Rafael caught up with Liv. The table dynamics changed over the course of the evening though as various people got up to get drinks and go to the restrooms, and eventually Sonny found himself sat next to Nick.

Nick was staring at him accusingly, but Sonny ignored the glare, and instead asked him why he was back in New York. Nick ignored the question. “Why? Are you worried that I’m a threat to your relationship with Rafael? You couldn’t wait for me to leave could you, to get your claws into him? To think I encouraged you by getting Rafael to sleep with you when he was with me. I must have been crazy.”

Sonny could feel his temper soar. “Just hold on a minute there Nick. You are the one that dumped him because you couldn’t commit to a life with him, and broke his heart. I did nothing but be a friend to him until he eventually convinced me that we could be more. That was nearly a year after you left, so don’t go accusing me of things just because you have a guilty conscience. ”  

Neither man had realized their voices were raised enough for the other occupants of the table to hear them. Rafael was about to get up and intervene when Liv put her hand on his arm. “Don’t,” she murmured. “Sonny can hold his own. He won’t appreciate you coming to his rescue. Let him deal with Nick himself.”

“I don’t have a guilty conscience,” Nick spat out at Sonny.

“Well you should have,” was Sonny’s response. “You dumped Rafael at the first opportunity and didn’t care that you were hurting him. He loved you and was committed to a life with you, and you treated him like dirt.”

“I did the right thing for me. Anyway, why are you complaining? You seem to have benefited from me leaving, although I’m not sure just why you are so happy with him if it really took a year for you to get into his bed after I left. Plus I had to convince him to sleep with you in the first place as he didn’t want to. So do you really think your relationship is so good?” Nick sneered, his temper well and truly roused now.

Sonny gasped at Nick’s unerring attack on the vulnerability he had worked so hard to try to get over in his relationship with Rafael. He truly believed that they had a great relationship, and he wasn’t second choice, but hearing Nick’s comments just made him doubt himself again.

Rafael couldn’t stay quiet at this latest exchange. “Our relationship is great, Nick, much better than the one I had with you. Sonny and I are in love, and committed to each other. I have no doubts about us, especially as we started our relationship being good friends. My only problem with sleeping with Sonny when you first suggested it was because I was in a relationship with you which I thought was serious. But I was wrong. You wouldn’t even agree to tell anyone about us while we were together, although obviously that isn’t an issue now as you’ve just outed yourself to the whole squad. You left here a long time ago Nick, and you don’t have any right to make any comments on what any of us are doing with our lives. So shut up or go back to California. We can do very well without you here.” Rafael glared. He hadn’t lost his temper or raised his voice, but he could tell he had got through to Nick.

Nick looked around at the detectives sat around the table. He could see they weren’t happy about what he had said, and were on Sonny and Rafael’s side. He sighed. This wasn’t what he wanted when he had agreed to meet up with the squad. He didn’t often lose his temper now, but when he did, his mouth tended to run away with him and he said things he didn’t mean. “I’m sorry. You’re right. I was in the area and wanted to catch up with people while I was here, but maybe I should go.” He started to get up. Sonny looked at Rafael and realized it was his decision whether to stop Nick from leaving or not.

“No Nick,” Sonny said, putting a hand on his arm. “You stay if you want. You were a member of this team for 4 years and have friends here. Just stay out of our relationship and we’ll be okay.” Sonny could see Rafael nod at him before he turned away to talk to Liv again.

Nick looked at Sonny gratefully. He didn’t think he would be so gracious in his place. “Thanks Sonny. I didn’t mean what I said. I just lost my temper. Seeing you so happy with Rafael after I threw away our relationship just got to me.”

Sonny nodded before changing the subject. “So how are your kids? Do you see them often?”

Liv and Rafael kept an eye on Nick and Sonny’s conversation for a minute until it became obvious they had changed the subject and were getting on okay. Then Liv raised her eyebrows. “Do you want to fill me in? I thought you didn’t get on that well with Nick, but obviously there was a lot going on that I didn’t know about.”

Rafael sighed. Liv was a good friend so he didn’t want to refuse. “Nick and I were together for about a year before he dumped me when he got injured and decided to move to California.”

Liv was silent for a minute until it was obvious Rafael wasn’t going to say anything else. “What was that about you sleeping with Sonny while in a relationship with Nick?”

Rafael hadn’t thought he would be able to get away with not telling her about that. “It was a way of helping Sonny after the rape. He was struggling and it was a suggestion of his therapist to replace bad memories with good ones. I spent one night with him and it did help stop the nightmares. It was Nick’s idea, and after that, nothing happened between me and Sonny until we got together 10 months ago. We became good friends after Nick left, partly because Sonny was the only one I could talk to, as only he knew about me and Nick. Our relationship grew from that.”

Liv smiled. “I’ve always thought that the two of you were great together. I’m just happy that both of you have found someone. I’m sure Nick can see that too and it just made him realize what he’d thrown away.”

Rafael smirked. “Part of me hopes Nick regrets how he treated me, and feels guilty about it. But I can’t regret anything. After all, as a result I’ve got Sonny, and I don’t intend to let him go. Now I know what real committed love feels like, and what I had with Nick isn’t a patch on it.”

Rafael caught Sonny’s eye, and both men could read the love they felt for each other in it. They had both found the person they would be with for the rest of their lives. Neither of them had any doubts now.

 


End file.
